Trigger warnings for Self Harm, blood, mental health issues, please practise self care when reading this post.
Ok, so since I have been hiding from practically everyone I can (bar a few people), I have gotten into crocheting as a way of hopefully helping me from picking my face off, or any other part of my body that’s covered in skin. It would seem, that if I am crocheting a blanket or slippers for someone, I am less inclined to pick as I don’t want to get blood on the wool. I mean, have you ever tried to wash blood out of wool, it’s a nightmare.
Anyway, so I have been making blankets, booties, hats and stuff for people to keep myself busy and focused. It has helped for the most part, but because I am not picking when I am nervous, I am finding that my urges to cut are becoming stronger.
I have been cutting my breasts (it’s easier, no arteries to nick and easily hidden) as a way of gaining control. Hubby isn’t impressed but he understands my need. “You are like a pressure cooker and you are letting off steam the only way you know how.” Which to be fair is pretty bang on.
So far, I have crocheted, two baby blankets, a pair of booties, a pair of slippers and a shower puff. I have more work lined up (I am not charging, just asking people to buy the wool and I will make it for them.) As long as they understand that I am by no means perfect at it, that I am still learning myself and I am prone to errors. They are doing me a favour, I am also pretty sure, my face and breasts thank them for keeping my hands busy.
So, I have been on the new meds for a while now, I seem to have levelled out, although I am not sure. Feeling empty again. Weird. BUT, I am having more good days than bad, if you can call them good days. I suppose you can because I am doing stuff instead of wanting to sleep all day and night. Dishes have been done, laundry has been cleaned, I have done stuff. It’s more than I’d normally do.
So, I decided to create a new blog, one that is more conducive with what I am now, rather than what I was 3 years ago. Expect swearing, expect nasty rants, expect crocheting posts. This is me.