Fat, sweat and tears.

Published June 26, 2014 by Harri

This time last year I was weighed 15 stone. I had lost 5 stone. Now I have put it back on and some.

The last couple of weekends have been hard. Either walking around work a lot, walking to work or walking home from work (I did 3 days in a row two weeks ago and 2 days last weekend), I have discovered that being the size I am is now starting to inhibit my life. I can’t do certain things any more, I am struggling with others and the prospect of doing some other things is just gone… I feel like a whale. I feel uncomfortable and not myself. I know how heavy I am, I also know the effect that’s having on my hips, knees and back (I have always had problems with these, even as a ‘normal weight’ child.) Doing simple things like tying up my shoelaces, walking up the stairs, walking, have all become ridiculously hard. I don’t like how cumbersome I have become.

The thought of going for a run terrifies me, I used to really enjoy going for a run. It was an escape for me. I was just perfecting my running style and I was finding my stride. I was happy. I was getting closer to running 5km in 30 mins.. I am such a long way off now, I don’t even know if my sports bras will fit me now. :/

I DID IT THOUGH! I went out. Today, saw my supported help come to the house to go on a walk with me and the dog, to help me get out of the house. I am making progress, slow but steady progress.

The urge to hide away is greater than ever before, to hide my swollen body from judgemental eyes and nasty tongues. We walked past a local school and a group of kids were laughing, now I don’t know if they were laughing at me BUT, the nasty voice in my head was telling me they were. They were laughing at me and making fun of the fat woman taking her dog for a walk.

I feel like a contradiction. I want to hide away but I feel certain people around me are closing in. I feel like I am suffocating beneath the whispers and paranoia.

A x

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2 comments on “Fat, sweat and tears.

  • Reading this does a few things to me. It breaks my heart, b/c I’ve only talked to you a small bit on Ravelry and I’ve read parts of your blog; looking forward to reading some older posts, and I know what a sweet, wonderful, caring person you are. I hate that you feel that way. I also feel a little relieved in a selfish way…everything you say you feel, you could be talking about me. It’s not the social anxiety that gets me the worst, though, It’s the bone crushing depression that makes me feel like it’s not even worth getting out of bed…Ifeel that way today, but I’ve got my kids so I put on my happy face and struggle through it as best as I can.

    • Sweetie, I am glad you are connecting with me hun and thank you for your kind words.
      My depression is under control with medications at present, between them and my mood stabilisers, they are keeping me functioning. Providing I remember to take them.
      I don’t paint a smile on for my daughter, I am honest with her to a point. There are still some things she doesn’t need to know. If you get my drift. x

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