Trigger warnings all over this shit. Proceed with caution.
I see you standing there, the image of innocence. You’ve spent the last 8 years not being good enough, being told you are always in the wrong and it’s always your fault. This won’t change. The smacks do become less but you will remember them. There will be a time with a bamboo cane that will stay with you for some years. But remember, those people who heard your screams and did nothing, they were part of the problem. This isn’t your fault.
Dad is sick, no, not like he has germs, but his brain is sick. His time in the army has messed him up, it unfortunately means that for the next 16 years, you will spend your time seeking his approval, desperately waiting to hear him say “I love you” and “I’m proud of you.”
Let me wipe away your tears and hold you. Mam is there to hold you, to love you. Mam will starve and work two jobs to make sure you eat. That time you were sat on the edge of the bath watching her brush her teeth before putting her lipstick on, you wanted to be her so badly. Focus on Mam. Mam is an amazing woman. Mam will be the one who holds you when you get upset or scared. She will also tell Dad that he has gone too far when he pushes you into a shelf and you cut your head. Mam is good cop. Dad is ill cop..
Now, that time when XXXXX takes you between the caravan and garage and does that nasty thing when you are 9, that wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t the polka dot dress you were wearing or the shoes you had on. It wasn’t the way you had your hair, or the way you spoke. It wasn’t your fault.
It was his. You will remember the way he tasted like an ashtray from smoking as he french kissed you and thinking that you will never touch a cigarette EVER, because it tasted minging. You will end up smoking, but it’s still not your fault. You will remember how hard he held you against the wall, hurting your bare shoulder. The way he slides your underwear down, this is not normal behaviour. That voice screaming in your head to run, you should listen to it, but it’s not your fault you didn’t. When he does what he does to you next, you can scream as loud as you can, but it’s fine if you don’t. It’s not your fault.
Please remember sweetheart, that everything that happens, isn’t your fault. You didn’t ask for it, you didn’t deserve it and you certainly didn’t invite him to do such things.
The confusion you feel after is understandable. Now would be a good time to tell Mam, but it’s ok if you don’t. I know why you don’t tell Mam and Dad. You’re scare Dad will flip out and batter shit into him, he’d then end up in prison, that’s if Dad believes you. Well, he tells you often enough that you are a liar. Doesn’t he?
“If you didn’t tell so many lies, we’d believe you.” Mam will believe you. Mam will hold you and tell you she loves you and that you’re safe now. None of it is your fault.
And when you turn 12, that’s not your fault either. You trusted a grown up and you did what anyone did, you listened to someone with authority over your. You should have been taught that not all grown-ups can be trusted, not that you should listen to everything they say. xxxxxxxx was an old man, who shouldn’t have touched you.
None of it was your fault.
There will be smells and songs that will trigger memories of being curled up in a ball sobbing into your pillow. There will be times when certain actions and things will trigger you and remind you of being touched in a certain way.
There will be times when the bath just isn’t hot enough to burn the feeling of dirty off you.
I wish I could tell you not to pick and claw at your skin, but that was something you learnt a long time a go. The cutting, well that happens because you look for a way to turn your emotional pain and torment into a physical pain, that you can watch heal.
You are a smart, strong girl and none of it is your fault. Please please remember that next time you feel ashamed, or dirty. x