The shit in my head

Published September 1, 2014 by Harri

There are a lot of TW for this post. Suicide, depression, self-harm, borderline personality disorder, low feelings, and basically a clusterfuck of bullshit that is floating around my head. THIS IS NOT A SUICIDE NOTE!!  It’s basically some of the obtrusive thoughts that have plagued me since I was little.

The suicidal thoughts are back, the cutting thoughts are back. The want to feel the blade drawing across my skin because I can’t fucking articulate the shit going around in my head.

 

If I were to say goodbye, how many people would actually give a shit that I have gone? How many people would give their condolences to my parents, my husband and my daughter?

Would those who have fallen out with me be glad I took my own life? Would my death have me missed by the people I have made an impact on? Have I made an impact on people’s lives?

How many people would turn up to funeral in colours other than black? Would laugh or cry when Bitch – Meredith Brooks, or Don’t Fear The Reaper – Blue Oyster Cult are played? What would you write on the cardboard coffin about me?

How many people would lie and say I was amazing? A generous person who brightened their lives?

I don’t think I have. I think I’m a miserable isolated bitch who tries to avoid people, situations and going out. The hairy woman who bitched about her weight and lack of fitness. My life is a series of what if’s.

I am expected to put up with abuse because I am meant to be the better person, well no. I am done doing that shit. I am done with being fucking pleasant to people who are or have been complete and utter pricks to me. I will never forgive those who have wronged me because I am then giving them license to hurt or wrong me again. If I have wronged you, don’t fucking forgive me, don’t give me your fucking approval to do it again. Just don’t. If I have wronged you, I apologise, but I won’t seek your forgiveness.

 

I actually said goodbye a few weeks ago, how many of you realised it?  Not many. “I love my friends and family. Thank you for being there for me. Goodnight.”

Or some shit like that. I had self-medicated on pain meds after having 2 teeth out and I was in agony. I am feeling shit. I am feeling low. I am not attention seeking, this is how I want to answer when people ask me how the fuck I am. BUT, I can’t. I can’t say that I am feeling lower than the depths of hell, that there are way too many black clouds over my fucking head. I wanted to go to sleep and not wake up.

Will I be missed? Will people care?

Don’t know. The paranoia says no.

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One comment on “The shit in my head

  • This post really touched me deep inside. I live with so many of those thoughts all the time…I so often wonder if I make my kids life worse just by being in their lives. Then u add the divorce decree that’s coming in a few weeks and I get even more despondent. I’m so grateful that you share your thoughts and struggles. It touches more people than you know.

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