Something to Focus On

Published January 13, 2015 by Harri

So, the New Year, New Me thing has started.

Today will see me weighing in at Slimming World, again. Thursday will see me joining a gym under a GP referral. I am shitting my pants about both.

So, why Slimming World again?

Well it worked. I lost 5st on it, in a year and had I eaten healthily, I wouldn’t be where I am now. Let’s be honest here, if I hadn’t holed up in the house, doing fuck all and eating crap, I wouldn’t be this big or unfit. The only thing I am worried about is the amount of carbs I will have to take in again and I am worried that will encourage bingeing (spelling?) again. I think the only way I can do this, is to cut my portion sizes when it comes to the carbs. I used to have piles of pasta and rice, but those will be cut back, drastically. This cannot fail.

If I lose 5st in a year again, like I did last time, then that’s fine by me. I would like to lose the 8st, but I don’t really want to force myself into thinking it’s the be all and end all. I will get there eventually, it may take a lot longer than a year to get to 5st loss.

Off to the gym!

I have received my referral from the GP to a local gym. I will be seeing them on Thursday. I don’t know what will happen, but my sister wants me to work out whilst I am there. I initially didn’t want to work out, as I was planning on walking to the gym (which just under a mile away), but she wants to pick me up and wants to go together.

I haven’t walked that far in months. I have deliberately avoided walking anywhere because I feel too ashamed with myself. Still feel ashamed. I am terrified of the comments, the giggles and the pointing. The fact that people take photos of fat people in gyms to prove a point. I don’t want to be the butt of someone’s joke. I just don’t.

So, what will I be doing?

Going to the gym, concentrating on me and my workout, ignoring what goes on around me. If someone takes a photo of me, then they are the one with the issue. If someone mocks me for doing something, then they are the one with the problem. Right? No-one likes being mocked and being this big, I feel you become a target. People feel the need to tell you about the diets they have been on, or what exercises you should be doing without actually asking you what you are doing, or even if you are doing anything.

I am doing this for me. The fact that I am struggling to carry out even the basic of tasks in life, I become breathless so easily. The road is going to be long and turbulent. I am not expecting it to be easy. Fuck, I have gone from being able to run 5km in 35 mins (the best time I have ever got), walking 30+ miles a week, doing pilates everyday to sitting on my arse, emotionally eating my problems into bigger problems. I have gone from nearly a size 18, to a size 26. I can’t walk half a mile without getting breathless and feeling fluttery in the heart. This is not good, it isn’t healthy.

I won’t go to the doctor though. I don’t want to be a strain on the NHS, when this is my fault. So here I am, I will be focussing on walking to the gym, working out when I get there, focus on my eating.



One comment on “Something to Focus On

  • You pay tax. You use the NHS. You need help, support, medical advice, you use the NHS services (sometimes at your peril!). You cant say, i dropped a brick on my foot its my fault, therefore i dont qualify. Its a service. Am i making myself clear?!

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