I did it! I went to Slimming World. Signed up and weighed at the end of the session. I was mortified at how bad it actually was. It was horrible and I sobbed.
Well, in the last year I have put on 8st 10lbs… I have maxxed out at 23st and 10lbs. I feel sick. Horrendously ashamed that it has gotten to this point for me to put my foot down and decide enough is enough.
I wasn’t expecting it to be that bad. I can’t believe it. I think I am still in shock, but my body knows what it knows. It can’t cope with what I have done to it. My knees and hips aren’t bearing up well under the pressure. My back and pelvis hurts, constantly. Sleeping is hard work, turning over in bed is like a mass operation, taking time, effort and pain to get comfortable. I am terrified the bath is going to fall through the floor when I stand in it for a shower. None of my clothes fit, I have had to buy new clothes to cover my growing gut. My stomach hangs, my arse hangs, my thighs rub, everything wobbles and I fucking hate it.
I hate that I use food to compensate for my emotional state. The fact that I don’t take my time eating my food and just shovel portion after portion in my face as though it were a race, is disgusting.
What the fuck am I doing about it?
I went to Slimming World, that’s phase 1. I went alone, weighed and will stick to it. Paying to be weighed kind of makes you want to make sure you keep on plan, or you are wasting your money. I have taken my measurements and started a picture journal (of just my face) on Instagram. I need to hold myself accountable. The hound and I went for a walk this morning, only managed half a mile as I was terrified that the crunchy rain (hail and sleet stuff) would cause me to slip, so we made our way back to the house. Now for someone who hasn’t left the house alone for months because she has been terrified of what people will say and making a tit of herself, it’s a huge deal. Social anxiety is a huge deal which would often be dealt with by eating crap.
Phase 2 happens tomorrow. I have my Gym induction. Now that I am fucking petrified of. The last time I was in that gym, I was a hell of a lot slimmer and a hell of a lot fitter. It was also a long time ago. 5 years ago, as I was losing weight for my wedding. I seem to get to 15st and then something happens and I lose my shit again and it falls apart. The terror that I will be mocked is so fucking great at the moment that I am trying not to turn to food for comfort. It is petrifying.
I have to stop thinking about that now, so I am going to clean my kitchen. Do something productive. Right?