Okay, so this may be a little premature, BUT, I spent the whole weekend in work and did not succumb to impulse eating or emotional eating. This is a MAHOOSIVE thing for me.
Mainly, because I am adamant that I am refusing to spend my money there again (only, because I spend so much there, on impulse eating that I am literally spending my own wages back in the shop!). I have seen me in a month, spend £30+ in there on crap food.
I am preparing my food and taking fruit as snacks. It’s all about making the time to make the right choices. Finding time to prepare your choices. Also telling myself to stop being an arse and to try and gain some damn control over my impulses.
Impulse control is hard, especially when it is inhibited due to mental health reasons. The reaction to eat when I get upset, angry, happy etc, is almost instantaneous. There is no thought involved, it, doesn’t matter what the food is, will go straight in my damn mouth. Then I plough as much as I can in until the “I’m Full” button is pressed. Even then, I have been known to keep bloody eating. It’s horrible and I hate how I have let this defence technique dictate my life.
The daunting thought is, I have over 11st to lose, if I want to get anywhere near my “healthy BMI” target. I am not one for following the BMI chart as it has been proven as flawed. BUT, a part of me wants to hit the ideal healthy weight of between 9st 6lbs – 12st, just to see if it does actually improve my PCOS symptoms. I doubt anything I do would improve the hair growth, but you know, it would be nice if I can be proven wrong.
I have taken my measurements and done my before photo. No one will be seeing that until I have dropped some serious stones, it’s shaming. What tickles me, is that I have people telling me not to get too skinny. “Don’t push it too far!” Is what they tell me. What’s it to them? I am going for a weight, I have been told all my life that I need to be to have a symptom-free life. Since I was 16, I have been told by every doctor that I need to get my BMI down to the ideal, first to eradicate the symptoms, then to improve them. I genuinely don’t think the Doctor’s know what they are talking about when it comes to PCOS.
As for dropping some serious weight, NO ONE has ever seen me as an adult, smaller than 15st (size 20). The last time I was 15st, I had piled on 3st after starting the Pill injection (Depo Provera) and I was a hell of a lot more athletic than I was at 29 years old and 15st. I understand that our bodies morph, I know there will be a snowflake’s chance in hell that I will flat stomach or a six pack. I will have far too much loose skin for that. There may be a six pack hiding underneath it, but I have pushed my body to it’s maximum (well, I don’t want to push it any damn further) and I have to expect the fact that my boobs will sag and I will have an overhang of skin. Surgery won’t be an option as there is no way in hell, I/we will be able to afford plastic surgery. I will be happy if I am fit and healthy. (Well, I am hoping I will be happy.)
So, now I have gotten that miserable bollocks over with, how has my week been? Well, I don’t know at the moment, food wise, it has been bloody good. I have done more exercise than I have done in a LONG time. Avoiding going out for fear of being ridiculed is a hard thing to get over, especially when it’s linked to anxiety. I am just hoping weigh in will go to plan, a loss would be very nice. It’s going to take a while to start dropping the dress sizes, though I won’t stop. I need to keep going, regardless of what happens.
Right, that’s me done for today.