Nearly there!

Published January 27, 2015 by Harri

I weighed and I lost 4.5lbs!

Which will mean, if I can lose 2.5lbs next week, I will hit my first stone off! In 3 weeks!

I will admit, I was kind of secretly wishing that I would get another 7lbs, to get my stone award. Selfish I know.

So, In 2 weeks, I have lost 11.5lbs. Now this should make me proud, but it doesn’t. Not yet. It’s just another reminder that I have a long fricking way to go. REALLY long. Hey, it’s a start though. I have made positive baby steps in the right direction. I just have to keep moving in the right direction. There are bound to be setbacks on the way, it’s nature. Although, I will admit that because I am paying for the privilege to be told I have lost weight, I do not want to be wasting my bloody money by gaining weight. Money is keeping me motivated at the moment.

Same with the gym, I have just paid £33 for 16 weeks. I need to make sure I get my bloody money’s worth and use the facilities that are there to benefit me. It will also mean I will get a reduced monthly rate, should I complete the required number of sessions to hit that marker. I intend to go to the gym twice a week for those 16 weeks, possibly upping it to three times a week. I don’t know. I will smash the target I need for that cheaper rate. I want to be a gym bunny. The free weights will be my friend, I will have definition, even if my loose saggy skin covers it up!

As positively motivated as I am to smash this and get the weight off, I am terrified of how much I have damaged my skin. The elasticity has upped and gone, this I know. I am covered in stretch marks. The skin on my stomach, thighs and arms will sag. Common sense tells me this. You don’t get to be as obese as I am, without forfeiting the right to a flat stomach. If I wanted a flat smooth stomach, I should have done this a long time ago. Unfortunately, with everything happening with my life, I turned to for to comfort me and protect me from my horrible thoughts and feelings.

I don’t know how that excess skin will impact on my health and fitness. The mental impact I don’t even want to think about. I know if I do, I won’t bother on this journey. I can’t shake the image that I am going to need surgery to get rid of it. I know I will never be able to afford surgery, ever. So instead I will have to live with what I am assuming will be this grotesque flap of skin, slapping against me as I run. How much will that excess skin weigh? Will it stop me getting down to my ideal weight? Will it stop me from getting to my goals? I just don’t know. I want to get my hopes up, but I know I can’t. I am going to be a saggy mess. I am thoroughly dreading how it will impact my self-esteem and confidence.

However, I will focus on my journey. The necessity of this journey is so important. I am done finding excuses for letting my past dictate my future. I have a duty to provide my daughter with the best future possible, teaching her to eat healthily and to exercise will be what I can do to ensure that as she grows older she finds the healthy things to do, is driven in her goals and will be confident in her choices. Although I am terrified about how I can teach her to love her body, when I doubt I will ever love mine.

Any way. On a positive. I lost weight! This is good.

A x

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