Impulse control fail.

Published January 29, 2015 by Harri

Some differences between Impulsive and Compulsive Eating here.

I have impulse issues, a lot of people would attribute it to the Borderline Personality Disorder. Probably rightfully so, I would put it down to years of turning to food as a comfort and using it to treat my emotional issues.

Tonight has seen one of them moments.

Ever since my post earlier and the continual intrusive negative thoughts, I found myself just having a Curly Wurly (6 syns on Slimming World) because I wanted one. That was my undoing. I had tasted chocolate when I wasn’t in the right frame of mind.

I have since eaten another 2 and polished off a hot chocolate.

Ok, so in 3 weeks of being on Slimming World, it’s my first wobbly/flexisyn day, which in the grand scheme of things isn’t a too bad. I just feel shitty because I didn’t even think about why I wanted it. I just ate it.

The whole learning process that you have to learn when dealing with emotional eating issues. You have to identify and learn your triggers, you have to understand why you are eating, you have to learn why you are wanting to turn to food as a way of comfort.

I feel ashamed now. The fact that I couldn’t control myself, the fact that I recognised my emotions and still continued to hunt out the chocolate and eat it.

The distance in my journey is far. I know I have to work towards a lot of issues, resolving them myself as I won’t get psychological help, counselling or behavioural therapy for this. I still haven’t heard about CBT or DBT for my BPD. I am beginning to wonder how they expect people to claw their way out of the holes they find themselves in by themselves.

Oh well, I know why I ate. I was feeling shit because I couldn’t shut my brain up. I kept listening to the thoughts.

I will draw a line under today. Tomorrow is a fresh start. I will admit, I am tempted to wander down to the gym again tomorrow and have a burn. Then, I could, probably should, take the dog out for a walk. Get some fresh air and blow the cobwebs away.

Anyway,  I just thought I would share that I have slipped up.

A x

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4 comments on “Impulse control fail.

  • I read the article that you linked and this particular bit irked me, because no such eating disorder exists; ‘Impulsive Eating’ is not an eating disorder. Impulsive can be an adjective to describe eating but it’s not in and of it’s self an eating disorder. ” Impulsive eating is an excessive eating disorder that occurs within a span of a few minutes and is associated with something like an activity, a situation, a time or anything that triggers the urge of the individual person to overeat.”

    You shouldn’t feel ashamed though – you took the time to actively think about your triggers and situation, which is a LOT more than most people can say for themselves and their eating habits (disorder or otherwise). I know it can be hard not to demonize yourself/beat yourself up/etc., when you’re in a situation like this, but it doesn’t at all help. The DBT/CBT is always helpful! ❤ Keep trying. 🙂

    • Firstly, thank you for taking the time to comment on my blog. I forget that some people actually read it. So thank you.
      Secondly, with regards to “Impulse eating”, I was told by a psychiatrist that I have a lot of issues with food, he said one of them was impulse eating. That’s where I got the phrase. I didn’t quite understand what it meant and he didn’t give me any details about it. I assumed it had something to do with the Impulse control issues BPD sufferers deal with. A coping mechanism like comfort eating or spending money you don’t have on impulse. So if I understand you right, impulse eating is not, on it’s own, an eating disorder (which the article says it is) but it can be linked to eating disorders? Apologies if I have this wrong.
      I binge eat, comfort eat and impulsively eat, all of which happen when my mood is low or if I am depressed.

      I don’t want to say I have an eating disorder, I do have issues with eating and emotionally eating, but I don’t believe I have a disorder. (Despite being told otherwise).
      Thirdly, my triggers are… I was going to say varied but they aren’t, it is all emotion and feeling based. The intrusive thoughts make me feel low, I feel crappy for listening to them, then eat to make myself feel better. I get upset about something in my life and I eat. I am happy, I celebrate with food. My relationship with food is messed up and that’s what needs adjusting. The way I think of food as a comforter, currently hasn’t benefitted me. I need to think of it as fuel for my body.
      Fourthly, “not demonizing/beating myself up/etc” is a habit I have had since I was a toddler. Being 30 now, is a long time to have a habit like that, that is so destructive. I am trying to be kinder to myself, taking my time when eating, enjoying the food, hell actually tasting what I am eating.
      Fifthly, I have apparently been on the list for CBT for 2 years. I have had no correspondence from anyone about it. I don’t believe I am actually on any list as mental health facilities and funding around here just aren’t a priority.

      Thank you again for commenting. Apologies for any upset caused and for this massive reply. X

  • Yeah it makes a lot of sense – i think people do often forget the difference between impulsive (spur of the moment) and compulsive (with the intent of self soothing, etc.) eating, which are two different scenarios and need to be treated differently. Yeah – impulsive eating isn’t an eating disorder, but it could fall under something like Binge Eating Disorder/OSFED. Eating disorders are fluid, and the DSM has really specific criteria so diagnostics can be tricky. -.-

    I don’t understand what you mean there though, since spending money is an impulsive habit, and people don’t plan to impulsively spend, or do any of the impulsive things listed as examples for the DSM criterion. :3

    It’s all so cyclical though – you need to catch yourself in the beginning, which is where it all unfolds. Have you tried mindfulness? I found it really helpful in curbing my binging, on top of – obviously – dealing with my BPD. 🙂

    Even if it is a habit, that doesn’t mean it can’t be undone. ❤ I hope you can find your way into CBT soon, and if not it's still something you can practice on a minimal level by yourself! I don't see a DBT/CBT therapist yet i practice those skills. 🙂 Much love<3

    • Spending money is an impulsive habit, one which a lot of people have control over. They know when they are going to spend they wages, on what and why they are spending it, they stop when they don’t have any money to spend.
      It’s seen in people with BiPolar (it’s one of the diagnostic symptom criteria that you have to have to be diagnosed with BiPolar in the UK, even though not all people with BiPolar will spend) and with BPD, spending money when you don’t have it, buying things that you don’t need at all and getting into debt by continuing to spend when the funds simply aren’t available. Self-control failure it’s sometimes called. Which can be applied to eating.

      As for Mindfulness, I have tried it, not too successfully though. I was self teaching and couldn’t focus on the reading material. I think I may have to try again x ❤

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