Today saw me going to the gym today, again. (I will admit I like the pattern forming). I pushed myself a little further on the treadmill, doing 20 minutes instead of 10, at a higher speed too. It was nice. I did 10 minutes on the elliptical machine, so there were 2 extra intervals, which is nice. I did my usual 8 minutes on the stationary bike, BUT I got to level 7!!! This was awesome for me. I felt quite proud. I did 8 minutes on the Hand cycle thing. On the chest press, I did my 2 sets of 15 reps at 15kg. 2 sets of 16 reps on the Lateral Pull down at 20kg. Then onto the Leg press (where my sister got some nice unsolicited advice from an elderly man who was hanging around the machine, obviously waiting for the machine. We then did our 8 mins on the reclining bike.
It was a good workout. The only problem I had was with the intrusive thoughts. I was the biggest/fattest person in the gym. Catching my reflection in the mirrors and the thoughts would start.
“What are they thinking of me?”, “Are they staring me?”, “Are they judging me?” “I’m going to break the machines.”
Just nasty thoughts, constantly ticking over in my head. It’s like an engine that’s running while the car is stationary (except my body was moving). My brain doesn’t stop. If I am concentrating on my music, then I can kind of zone them out. If I am not distracted by music or conversation, then those thoughts flood my head.
I was happy leaving the gym, the mood was positive and I was feeling good. Then I came home, sat down, had some dinner and just cried.
Why did I cry? Because the thoughts were being horrible. I saw myself in the mirror. When does your opinion of yourself change? When do you see that person in the mirror and be happy with what you see? When does your reflection truly show who you are inside? (Think Mulan )
Will exercise silence the intrusive thoughts? I don’t want to hope that it will. I can’t hope, because if I do and it doesn’t, shit will crumble.
Today started off really good and now I just can’t shake this feeling of blah. There is no other way to describe it. Or maybe static on an old tv when the broadcast finished at stupid o’clock in the morning. (Yeah, I am old enough to remember that!)
Maybe all this is just hormones and I am missing it, because they haven’t really shown themselves for quite some time. Who knows. I am covered in spots and have been picking at them subconsciously. My face is a mess.
I am going now.