The use of hindsight and applying it to various situations can help you learn about how you dealt with said situation and how to approach it should you come across the situation again. (Not a dictionary definition!)
Looking back on yesterday and the little splurge that I had and I realise that I gave in to the demons. I let those intrusive thoughts win over and that’s what I was feeling guilty for. The overwhelming feeling of being useless and completely weak is a hard one to get over. For some, the urge to berate, beat yourself up and be harsh on yourself is overwhelming. For myself it is, it’s easier to go with the negative thoughts. Simply because there was such a resounding negative voice in my life as a child.
Being the eldest child of three, it was my fault if the younger ones did something, I should have known better and stopped them. I was told I was a mistake. I was never worthy enough of my father’s time. I was constantly told that nothing I did was good enough, I had to do it better.
Having those, and there were a lot more, negative vocalisations around as you grow up it becomes hard to accept compliments from people. You feel you can’t trust what they say, because they don’t need to be nice to you, there must be a reason why they are being nice, what are they after. It becomes difficult to respond to constructive criticism without feeling like it’s a personal attack.
The way I dealt with the negatives coming from my Father, I would put myself down first. Well, if I was joking and laughing about how shit a person I am, it wouldn’t hurt as much when someone confirmed my opinions of myself with their own input. I wouldn’t be surprised that they thought like that, I mean who’d see the positive in me. There was none. Right?
As I have grown, with the help of my husband, I have realised that I am a good person, of sorts. (I still can’t write a compliment about myself, it has to be laced with a negativity. I am trying though.) Although I spend my time isolating myself and pushing people away, I don’t intentionally go out to hurt people. Don’t get me wrong, I can be a complete nightmare to live with. I am manipulative, it’s taken a long time for me to actually admit that. Especially, if I am feeling particularly vulnerable and defenceless. I will lash out and use people for my own benefit. (Mainly in the hunt for food!) When my husband and I first got together, for the first couple of years of our relationship, I was adamant he could do better. I was positive that I didn’t deserve to be with a man who told me I was beautiful, that I was intelligent and that I deserved happiness. I still wonder why he has hung around after all these years, I don’t feel as though I have anything to offer him, which is sad. I love him to bits, I really do. It doesn’t stop me from wondering if he’d be better off with someone who could show him more affection, someone who is willing to do more for him.
I have deviated, as I usually do in my posts, there never truly seems to be a proper structure to it.
Where was I going with all of this, oh yes, hindsight. I can see that yesterday was me falling prey to my negative demons. There isn’t anything wrong with that, it’s bound to happen once in a while, as they will always be there. Hopefully in the future, their volume will not be as loud as it currently is. There isn’t really any medication to stop the thoughts. They happen whether you are happy or not.
I was bouncing after the gym yesterday. Endorphins were bouncing around and doing their feel good thing, but that didn’t stop the negativity continuing to snowball in my head. I succumbed to their negativity and fell back on my tried and tested method of Chocolate. As soon as I ate the first curly wurly, I knew that it wouldn’t be the last. Simply because, I had the taste for chocolate and I didn’t feel sated.
I woke up this morning, realising that since I had been going to the gym (only three weeks mind you!), I was sleeping much sounder, it was still hard to quiet the thoughts down, but when I was off, I was out. The sleep was uninterrupted and apparently sound. Which is nice. I think I may still be snoring. Anyway, deviating again. The exercise is already proving beneficial. This was the positive note I needed to start the day with.
So, using my hindsight, I know that I need to stay away from chocolate when I am upset. I will binge on it and that is not good. I do need to be in control and to be happy when eating it. Today, after I have finished this waffle, I will be eating some breakfast (not sure whether to have eggs on toast or just toast and fruit), I will be getting dressed and taking the dog out for the longest walk we have had in a long time. I have a route mapped out in my head, I have her ball thrower and I know she will get more exercise than me, but I plan on not stopping in one spot to just throw a ball.
That’s the plan for today, drawing a line under yesterday and moving on. I don’t want to let yesterday tarnish 3 weeks or hard work. I am going to write it down as a little bump in the road.
Pick a focal point and head for that, stop focussing on the stuff around you. Right?