The Hubby ordered a motor or something for the heating system in the car. It’s arriving by courier on Tuesday. Tuesday is GYM DAY. I am now stressing about getting to the gym and being here to accept the package.
I can’t go to the gym today as I have to walk to work and then do an 8 hour shift in the place. I am not in the best of moods thanks to the ranging hormones that are racing through my body. I basically feel EVIL. Everything and anything is pissing me off. The dog licking my feet, the Hubby breathing, Kiddo going incessantly on about Valentine’s Day, the washing machine, the fact I have to work today when I have done my two days. Just crap. Stupid stuff, that has got me irritable and snarky.
I am looking forward to the walk to work, I will admit. It’s been a long time. I am not looking forward to work, but hey, bills need to be paid. My mental health is deteriorating in that place but I have no choice. I have to work. I don’t feel ‘sick’ enough to go on long-term sick. I don’t. I am physically fit enough to work, mentally, that is questionable. During the week, I am absolutely fine. When it comes to a Friday, the dread begins and I start hoping that the car will be hit on the way to work, or that a car will crash into the garage, just crap like that.
Today, as I said before, I have to walk to work. There are two routes I could take. I am taking the ‘safer’ route because the other route, although more scenic, has a bridge over a motorway and a railway crossing to cross. I basically don’t trust myself to walk that way. So I won’t be.
Anyway, I am diverting, the Gym Anxiety. It’s not something I have felt before. I am un-medicated for my BPD and anxiety. The anxiety is building because there is a possibility that I might not be able to go to the gym and I have to go. I don’t want to miss a session and break the cycle, because I know I will slip into the shitty pattern of making excuses. I don’t want to do that again. Slipping into habits like that is why I am in this mess. The gym releases endorphins and makes me feel good, even if I am dying walking back home from the gym. I genuinely am stressing about the fact that I may have to miss the gym. Irrational, possibly, but I am already becoming dependant on the routine and the endorphins it releases. “Work out at home”, I can’t. I know I won’t do anything. I will sit on my arse. I can’t motivate myself to workout at home. I will tumble into a downhill spiral that will result in me sleeping all day. I don’t want that.
I am actually terrified that I will miss the gym. I won’t though, because I am going to be up early and I will be down the gym first thing in the morning, one of the first ones in there as soon as it opens. I will smash my workout and then I will come home and wait for the damn courier.
Also, weigh-in day tomorrow. Anxiety is building about that too. I wanted 3lbs this week to get my stone, but I don’t know if that’s going to happen. I have been good, I have stuck to plan. So we will see, just feeling neurotic.
There is a good chance that it’s all hormonal, the feeling that I will burst into tears any minute, the fact that everything is irritating the piss out of me and that I just feel like a completely evil bitch. I just want to scream at everyone, “Leave me the fuck alone!” I don’t really want to leave the house, but have no choice.
Hey fucking ho. I will leave the house, I will walk to work, I will probably be as nice as pie to people whilst secretly bubbling with rage beneath the calm exterior. So I am now off to go sob into the salad I will be making for my dinner today! YAY!