Gym Anxiety, there’s a first!

Published February 2, 2015 by Harri

The Hubby ordered a motor or something for the heating system in the car. It’s arriving by courier on Tuesday. Tuesday is GYM DAY. I am now stressing about getting to the gym and being here to accept the package.

I can’t go to the gym today as I have to walk to work and then do an 8 hour shift in the place. I am not in the best of moods thanks to the ranging hormones that are racing through my body. I basically feel EVIL. Everything and anything is pissing me off. The dog licking my feet, the Hubby breathing, Kiddo going incessantly on about Valentine’s Day, the washing machine, the fact I have to work today when I have done my two days. Just crap. Stupid stuff, that has got me irritable and snarky.

I am looking forward to the walk to work, I will admit. It’s been a long time. I am not looking forward to work, but hey, bills need to be paid. My mental health is deteriorating in that place but I have no choice. I have to work. I don’t feel ‘sick’ enough to go on long-term sick. I don’t. I am physically fit enough to work, mentally, that is questionable. During the week, I am absolutely fine. When it comes to a Friday, the dread begins and I start hoping that the car will be hit on the way to work, or that a car will crash into the garage, just crap like that.

Today, as I said before, I have to walk to work. There are two routes I could take. I am taking the ‘safer’ route because the other route, although more scenic, has a bridge over a motorway and a railway crossing to cross. I basically don’t trust myself to walk that way. So I won’t be.

Anyway, I am diverting, the Gym Anxiety. It’s not something I have felt before. I am un-medicated for my BPD and anxiety. The anxiety is building because there is a possibility that I might not be able to go to the gym and I have to go. I don’t want to miss a session and break the cycle, because I know I will slip into the shitty pattern of making excuses. I don’t want to do that again. Slipping into habits like that is why I am in this mess. The gym releases endorphins and makes me feel good, even if I am dying walking back home from the gym. I genuinely am stressing about the fact that I may have to miss the gym. Irrational, possibly, but I am already becoming dependant on the routine and the endorphins it releases. “Work out at home”, I can’t. I know I won’t do anything. I will sit on my arse. I can’t motivate myself to workout at home. I will tumble into a downhill spiral that will result in me sleeping all day. I don’t want that.

I am actually terrified that I will miss the gym. I won’t though, because I am going to be up early and I will be down the gym first thing in the morning, one of the first ones in there as soon as it opens. I will smash my workout and then I will come home and wait for the damn courier.

Also, weigh-in day tomorrow. Anxiety is building about that too. I wanted 3lbs this week to get my stone, but I don’t know if that’s going to happen. I have been good, I have stuck to plan. So we will see, just feeling neurotic.

There is a good chance that it’s all hormonal, the feeling that I will burst into tears any minute, the fact that everything is irritating the piss out of me and that I just feel like a completely evil bitch. I just want to scream at everyone, “Leave me the fuck alone!” I don’t really want to leave the house, but have no choice.

Hey fucking ho. I will leave the house, I will walk to work, I will probably be as nice as pie to people whilst secretly bubbling with rage beneath the calm exterior. So I am now off to go sob into the salad I will be making for my dinner today! YAY!

A x

 

Advertisements

Let me know what you think.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

A Positive Death UK

Death Pos Community in the UK

Chelle's Crafty Crochet

Crochet isn't an oldies thing! It's an any age thing!

Capital Nerd

Connecting ideas and people – How books can change our lives

Sloth Speed Recovery

A Mental Health Recovery Site

British Army Blog

Soldiers and Officers of the British Army in their own words

chronicleofellen

life, the universe and crafty goodness

createdbymeggan

Writings - Crafts -Photography - Family Tree and more...

RestinBitchFace

Spoons, Crocheting, Books, Life and Weirdness

The Craft Cwtch

Quality yarn from around the world

Sophie Eliza

lets talk

Rainbow Junkie

My crafty creations corner

Betty's Banter

Crochet, Chemistry and the little people in my life

Pride's Purge

an irreverent look at UK politics

One Page At A Time

There's no use in over thinking or trying to read ahead so I'm attempting to take things one page at a time. Looking at things through a body positive, crafty, cake-eating, feminist lens.

It's all in a Nutshell

A nutty crochet blog for nutty people

Anonymously Autistic

#ActuallyAutistic - An Aspie obsessed with writing. This site is intend to inspire through sharing stories & experiences. The opinions of the writers are their own. I am just an Autistic woman - NOT a medical professional.

%d bloggers like this: