MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNINGS for Rape, Sexual Abuse, Child Abuse, Victim blaming, self-harm and Rape apologists. Exercise caution when reading this post, please.
After a rather heated conversation about “Drunk women are asking to be raped” (I was called a FemiNazi because I believe that it doesn’t matter what a woman wears or does, she does not incite rape. If people want to continue to believe that men just can’t control themselves because of sexual urges, then I am going to start punching people because of hormones! [That’s a basic summary]), I did something I have never done in my life.
I turned down food and actively sought to move my arse to the gym. Now, I was going to be going to the gym early anyway, but got sucked into this conversation about modesty and not advertising the goods (Does that mean the women who think this will stop their daughters from wearing bikinis and swimsuits because they are flashing flesh?), oh and how being drunk is asking for it.
This upset me on a few levels. If you are telling grown women that what they wear is advertising themselves for rape, then how would you explain that same sentiment to a child who has been abused? If a child is wearing a dress (I was at 9), it’s easy access, surely they are to blame. NO! NO! AND FUCKING NO! A child does not ask for it, whether they are in a bikini or a dress or jeans and a baggy tee (I was wearing jeans and a baggy tee when I was 12). Here is a bit of shocking news, PAEDOPHILES DON’T CARE WHAT CHILDREN ARE WEARING, THEY WILL STILL FANTASIZE OVER THEIR BODIES!
If a housewife is wearing her underwear and a dressing gown, is she asking for her husband to rape her when she isn’t in the mood? NO! A Woman/girl is not the property of a man!
So, before I go off on a tangent, instead of turning to food, I put my gym clothes on and then marched my arse to the gym where I proceeded to sweat my stress off. I didn’t want to be triggered and fall into a sobbing mess because I am passionate about a very emotive subject. I didn’t want to turn in to the 9 year old who sobbed in the bathroom and then showered and scrubbed myself until I bled in the pursuit of feeling clean again (I relapse occasionally and can be found sobbing in the shower scrubbing at myself). I didn’t want to be a victim again.
I have been using food as a comforter for as long as I can remember. Long before the attack at 9. Turning to food as a way to fill a void, being upset and eating just seemed to be the best way to cope. Then I started self-harming, I’d switch between eating so much I’d feel physically sick but I would not stop, to cutting. The cutting was a release of the emotions I didn’t understand, the feelings I had and the pain was liberating.
If I got angry, I would cut, if I was sad, I would eat. The more aggressive the emotion, the more I’d do to get a pain hit. This hasn’t changed over the years. As I have come to realise. Which is why I slammed the gym so damn hard.
I didn’t want to take a blade to my skin again, hell my breasts have had more than enough punishment. I didn’t want to binge on crap in my cupboards. I went and worked out. The endorphins released during and after has helped me calm down. I will want to have a sob, but surely going to the gym instead of eating my way through a cupboard.
The thing with dealing with past traumas is that it doesn’t matter where you are, something can be said or done to trigger you back to that particular shitty moment in your life. It doesn’t matter how good you have it at that present moment in time, you will still be put right back on your arse.
I think I can turn exercise into a positive coping mechanism, as long as I don’t abuse it. There is pushing myself to get something done and pushing myself to injury.
But yes, I went to the gym when I was upset/pissed off. I am proud of myself. Really proud of myself.