This song. This song dragged me through my teenage years. After my abuse at 9 and at 12. When I found this song it seemed to talk to me.
“Everybody’s looking for something. Some of them want to use you. Some of them want to get used by you. Some of them want to abuse you. Some of them want to be abused.”
I would sing the line, “Some of them want to abuse you” over and over again, with tears streaming down my face and my voice scratchy and broken from crying. I never seemed to get to the “Hold your head up part.” It never seemed to connect to me. I learnt a valuable lesson from this song though.
There are people out there who will use you. There are people who want to be used. There are people who will abuse you. There are people who want to be abused. (Although, I struggle with the last part and can only justify that as someone who wants to consentingly be spanked, whipped or the such.) It’s hard to understand when you have been faced with so much so suddenly.
There are so many songs out there that I connect with, that instantly transport me to a certain time in my past. This one though will be the one that is both a band-aid and a knife in the gut. It’s a reminder that there are shitty people out there.
It’s hard to explain to someone the feeling of dread that washes over you when you are in public and you hear a song that affects you so strongly. I’d find myself fighting the tears so badly, sometimes I would start shaking. “Oh it’s just a song, get a grip.” NO, you will never understand the connection I have with this song. EVER. I have tried to explain to people, how I would spend my time. Listening to a The No.1 Movies Album that had 2 discs. The second disc was the one I lived for. It was my Dad’s. I played the whole bloody CD on repeat for hours on the PC we had in the bedroom I shared with my sister. I’d have his headphones in and I would just lie next to the computer and sob. Mike Oldfield’s Tubular Bells score that was adapted for The Exorcist was the last song and it was on repeat if I had had a particularly shitty day.
I was fighting the dirty feelings, the feelings that I wasn’t good enough, the feelings that I was failing school, the fact I thought I had no friends, the fact that I wanted to die. All of it. Running through my head all the time and the music was a way to drown out the noise. It was white noise, that I could use to focus my brain on as I was able for a short time to ignore the intrusive thoughts that have since become a habit.
The three main CD’s that I played religiously were Enya (some more Enya) and Robson and Jerome along with the No.1 Movies Album. They were played on repeat. I knew all the words and I enjoyed the fact that I could completely lose myself in the song and imagine I was the one singing it on a video. Fantasy. Escapism. Detachment. Whatever you want to call it. I did it a lot. It was nice to get away from the reality.
Before I am mercilessly mocked for liking Robson and Jerome, please remember this was the 90’s and they had a massive following (including my Mother) in Soldier Soldier. They were a big thing then. I wasn’t allowed to watch Soldier Soldier as it was after my bedtime but I did hear them sing on the radio and saw them on TV sometimes. I loved them. They added to the escapism.
Nowadays, it’s mainly Binaural beats (that’s just a selection, I normally choose the help with sleep ones, like Weightless by Marconi Union) or classical pieces. There was always music being played in our house. My father is a musician, so there was always background music. He liked to listen to Panpipes or Classical music to sleep. I guess that’s where I associated the behaviour. It’s definitely a way of closing off the negative thought patterns, especially if you pick out the beat or focus on a certain section of the orchestra. I always like trying to pick out the wind or the percussion. It helped me a lot.
I think what I am trying to say, is that Music can be a saviour for people. I know those who are quick to scoff at people who proudly declare that music has saved their lives, whether it’s Glee or Thrash Metal. Soul or the Blues. Classical to Pop. There is a genre out there that will connect with most people and for that purpose they shouldn’t be mocked. There is music out there for everyone and someone will connect to something in some way.
Music is a huge part of my life, losing myself in it is a massive part of my escapism. It’s my life. I will always listen to music. I will always appreciate music. Music will always be my saviour.