Okay, so this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do.
Why am I telling you what I am about to tell you, because I am sick of living with a shame that shouldn’t be there.
I have been doing an Online Secrets course. How secrets can be a destructive force on who we are. This is important to me. I don’t know how people are going to react. I know some people will not give a shit. I know others will. I know I will lose ‘friends’ over this. The time has come for me to tell my story.
As some of you know, when I was 9, I was sexually abused. That prick also gave me herpes.
I found out this time 2 years ago. Remember the time I had a breakdown. When I lost my shit and gained all the weight I had worked so hard to lose. Yeah, then.
It had gone undiagnosed for 20 years because Doctors were convinced the symptoms were something to do with my PCOS and because I had been having outbreaks since before I was ‘sexually active’.
This hit me like a tonne of shit, straight off my feet and onto my arse. I felt dirty and violated all over again. Only this time, sitting in a bath of boiling water and scrubbing myself till I bled wouldn’t help.
Herpes Simplex 2 or Genital Herpes is a virus. A skin complaint that effects my body too. Sometimes I have an outbreak and nothing else. Other times, I am fighting a really bad case of flu (which means I can’t leave my bed because I am so weak), as well as having sandpaper in my damn knickers.
I know a lot of you won’t understand why I am telling you this. Why I am sharing such personal information. Well, the truth is, I shouldn’t have to hide it or feel guilty about it.
How many of you get cold sores? How many of you carry HSV without even realising it? How many of you have a few blisters and brush them off as a reaction?
Herpes is one of the most common sexually transmitted diseases, it’s also incurable. You have it for life. Granted it won’t kill you, but sometimes you wish you were dead.
I am done feeling like I need to carry this secret. I am done feeling like I am dirty and it’s my fault.
It doesn’t matter how you contract a sexually transmitted disease, you aren’t dirty. You weren’t asking for it. You are still special and someone will love you for who you are.