So, having BPD and working, well, it’s hard fucking work.
I work 30 hours a week, in an office, as IT Support. I love my job. I really do. Even on the rougher days, I still love my job, even though I have only been there 5 months this month. The information I am picking up is really cool, although very specific to my role (most of it, unless it’s Word, Outlook or Excel based), is encouraging. I like learning, always have. Working with computers and talking to people, regardless of how rude they can be, is something I really enjoy doing.
The downsides to working with BPD, and I would imagine you could apply this to any job you want to excel at and do well in.
- Paranoia – I am struggling with the paranoia. Paranoia that I have upset people or pissed them off asking questions. Paranoid that I am going to fuck it up, that I am going to make a huge cock-up that will end up with me being sacked. The intrusive thoughts are evil and continue to plague me, though naming them Gary and telling him to shut the hell up can help.
- Anxiety – I try to get to work half an hour before the start of my shift, just so I can set my system up and get into work mode. I don’t like rushing. If I am not on my way to work early enough so I end up getting there 25 minutes to, I panic and it worries me. I hate it. I worry about my adherence, quality and just how my work is going. Also transport, if I finish my shift at 2pm, I have to march (I don’t run) a mile to the nearest bus stop (again, one of the reasons I am learning to drive) to ensure I catch the bus to the area where my daughter goes to school. If I miss that bus, I will be half an hour late collecting my daughter, which will land me in hot water with the school. So there is that.
Now, I don’t know if the next one could be seen as a negative thing with BPD in the workplace, but it can be detrimental.
- Eagerness to please and prove myself – I work hard and always want to learn new things, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. At the moment, at least. I am a little worried that I will burn out, but I am getting into my stride with my workload and my learning. I need to show people that I am good at something, that I am worthy of praise. My need for praise, to be acknowledged, is large.
If I have a particularly difficult day, a mixture of hormones (a new mirena coil has tipped my hormone levels all over the fucking place) and a lot of negative calls, I have found that I am teary and just feeling a little bleaurgh. I can’t explain it any better than being flat. I just feel empty. Not quite disassociated but getting there.
Obviously, this is my personal experience, in a new job. My previous job didn’t help my mental health one bit, this job has seen me doing things I didn’t think I would ever do again. Hope being one of those things.