This weekend has lead quite unhappily into a rather crappy start of the week.
I have spent this weekend trying to prepare myself for today. Saturday saw The Hubby working in the morning and chilling for the day. Sunday saw him up very early to help my parents by taking their dog, who’d collapsed, to the vet. I know he is tired. I know that he was trying to work out what he was going to need for a 3 day training trip in Watford. It felt like we had no time together.
We have been together for 12 years. In that 12 years, apart from hospital stays (mainly me in hospital, actually, always me in hospital), it’s the longest time we have been apart. I haven’t had to worry about being a parent alone. I haven’t had to consider looking after my daughter on my own, in the whole time.
Add to that the abandonment issues that comes with BPD, the inability to deal with your emotions and the negative intrusive thoughts. I have been worrying about this day for weeks.
After driving through rush hour traffic this afternoon to collect my daughter from school, I drove home. (It still feels weird saying that!) He’s already eaten and was ready getting to leave. I was fine until I saw him. Then this overwhelming sense that he couldn’t wait to leave me would be shaken off. That he couldn’t wait for the peace and quiet. That he couldn’t wait to leave me behind. This is how BPD gets it’s grip on you. The negative thoughts are in full force before you can stop them. Gary is well on his stride.
- He can’t wait to leave your sorry fat arse.
- You’ve driven him away.
- He isn’t going to come home.
- Whilst he is away, he isn’t going to be thinking of you.
- There will be a car crash.
- You will lose him.
- You won’t cope on your own.
- You’re a shit mum.
- She hates you.
- She is dreading being alone with you.
- He can’t wait to go.
- He can’t wait to be him.
It’s a constant fucking barrage of bullshit. I think I will cope. I think I will be fine. I’d like to think that this will be something I can use to boost my confidence. To grow with. But Gary just won’t fuck off.
I won’t be able to sleep until I have had a text or a call to say he is there safe. I don’t even know if I will be able to sleep anyway. But hey. I am going to try. Up early tomorrow. I won’t sleep until that message or text comes. I can’t even contemplate it.
Tomorrow will see us up and dressed, with lunches packed and [He has just text he arrived safely] everything sorted. Kiddo will be riding to school with her bestie and their family (for which I am SO grateful). I will go to work. Do my shift. Then leave when I finish at 5pm, get her from Afterschool club and then go home. It will make a change. I am going to own this.
Gary can’t win.