I have had a strange dance with Death since my first suicide attempt back when I was 12/13 years old. Since then I have been playing a strange kind of Hide and Seek.
So what happens when the dynamic changes? When death hasn’t taken you, but takes someone you loved?
With BPD, it’s thrown me into a spin. I don’t know if what I am feeling is imagined. I don’t know if what I am seeing is real. Struggling. It’s left me in doubt. I can’t trust myself and I can’t trust anyone else. I have gone from asking those close to me if my emotional reaction is appropriate to not being able to ask anyone for fear of being told I am bat shit. Or for having my genuine feelings rebuffed as an overreaction.
I don’t know who I am. I can’t trust who I am.