First ParkRun!

Today marked the day I walked my first ever ParkRun! Originally, I intended to do the walk carrying the weight I had lost. After being advised by the Army not to for a while, I will probably start adding the weight slowly. A couple of pounds for a few weeks, and then increase it.

Anywho! We got to the seafront in which the ParkRun is organised on and I waited at the back of the queue. Barry the Bergen on my back and going at a good pace (forgot to put my damn Fitbit on in time! Missed about 400 yards). As I started walking, the two rear pace keepers (volunteers who make sure no one is left behind) and we started talking. We walked and talked at a good pace and I enjoyed it. Barry behaved and the walk was comfortable.

The ParkRun community is so welcoming and encouraging. Although there is every possibility that they were cheering for the long standing volunteers walking with me. As they had reached milestone ParkRuns. 150 and 50 ParkRuns! Which is absolutely fantastic! I will get there one day. I’d like to be running it at some point, but that will be a long way into the future!

I did the 5km in 56 mins 30 secs. I am quite proud of myself.

I cried several times. It was very emotional. With Mam and Dad waiting at the Finish Line, I cried.

Anyway, it’s going to be a regular thing. Every Saturday, if I can, I will be doing a ParkRun. During the week I will be walking with the dog and having a preamble. Actually contemplating taking the dog out after the ParkRun so she can have a run too. I will start adding weight slowly. So I can get used to the weight going in.

This is the way forward. I am really enjoying it all. Need to drink more water through, I have a headache brewing.

 

Signing off.

 

Holidays and Barry the Bergen

For our daughter’s 11th birthday, we booked a holiday to Tenby. Stayed in a caravan. Enjoyed some peace and time away. I did a lot of walking there, despite being rough as hell with germs. We walked from the caravan site to the beach and into Tenby and back. It was lush. Beautiful sunsets and lovely family quality time.

Whilst away, I spoke to a Captain in the 3rd Royal Welsh. He told me that they would be able to help with out with a Bergen. I had to call back after the Easter bank holiday to arrange a time to get fitted and take home a bergen.

Thursday of this week, my parents, daughter and I, went to Cardiff to meet the Captain and Colonel in the Officer’s Mess. We talked about my Father’s career in the Army, why I was doing the walking and the use of the kit and how long I would be needing it for.

The Captain then took me down to the Stores where I met the Colour Sergeant in charge. We talked about the bergen, how to pack it with the weight (bottles of water, packed against the back support and held in place with towels or blankets. Bottles of water as if I need to lessen the weight, I can just dump the water and not have to worry about leaving kit), how to wear it and the fact that I NEED to get used to the bergen (which weighs 4kg [about 8/9lbs] without any added weight or kit) before I start adding weight. I was advised by the professionals to walk my first 5km without any weight and add it in small increments. Which is what I will be doing. I do not want to injure myself on my quest to raise money for Pancreatic Cancer UK.

Today, I walked 4.29 miles in 1hr 30mins. Up hill, downhill and with Barry the Bergen! (I named the Bergen). It was nice, the sun was out for a change and it was a beautiful walk!

Barry the Bergen and I at the top!

My first 5km walk is on Saturday the 29th of April. I am really looking forward to it.

Cunty McCuntface

Yes, I used bad words (well, Cunt is one of my favourite words EVER but if Mam heard me using it, I’d get told off!)

As much as I am trying to be level headed about all this and think of it all practically, the Borderline Personality is making it ridiculously fucking hard. I want to cry all the time. I am currently a ball of seething rage, which is why the post is entitled Cunty McCuntFace… That’s how I feel. Like a huge evil bitch. A cunt. An angry, hurting cunt.

Gary (the negative thoughts), is talking like a kid who has eating a fuck-tonne of blue smarties (back in the day when they were full of e numbers) and hasn’t stopped jabbering since hoovering the tube up!

I am currently listening to my favourite thing ever, classical pieces of music played on an electric guitar. Fucking incredible and soothing too. Which seems to help drown the little shitstain (Gary) out.

Why is it, that when you try to find a positive way of coping with the shitstorm that has been dumped at your feet (not just mine but my family’s too), a BPD brain decides that you need more shit on top of the shit you are dealing with by making more shit up and getting your worked up over shit. See a pattern here?

Just feel so angry. I’m crying because I am emotional anyway and then I get angry because I cry all the time. Then I am crying because I am so angry.

 

Anyway, just a little vent.

A x

How am I coping?

With Dad’s terminal diagnosis… Well, after being told he has approximately 18 months left, I decided I needed to find a constructive way of dealing with the shitstorm that is on the horizon.

Previously, I’d have turned to isolating myself, comfort eating and cutting. With my new job, I don’t want to be slipping into my previous habits, which could physically damage me and mentally injure me by making the situation worse.

So, alongside the crocheting (to keep my hands busy and to reduce the damage done by sub-conscious scanning), I have decided to start walking my weight off.

So, every 2 months, I will be doing a 5km walk (not planning on running for a while as I really don’t want to rush and burn myself out mentally, pacing myself), with a backpack on holding all the weight I have lost from the January of this year up until that point.

I am currently at 16lbs lost since January. So, on the 29th of April (my first 5km parkrun event in which I will be walking), I will be carrying 16lbs+ (hopefully even more!)

In honour of my Dad, I am hoping to carry the weight in a Bergen and Army webbing. I need to get hold of some so will have to wait until payday, Dad gave his away. I can remember as a kid, he used to go running with his webbing and bergen on for the Army. So that’s why I am carrying the weight. I want to be like my Dad. He was strong, athletically fit. The man broke his neck twice playing rugby and is still walking! I have always wanted to make him proud.

So I am fundraising for Pancreatic Cancer UK, for the support and information they have given and provided to myself and my family. #lbs2pounds #DoingItForDad

 

 

Newest Update

Welcome to 2016!!

Over the last couple of months I have gone through what seems to be an amazing change. Although my mental health is a lot better than it has ever been, I still have blips.

The new job I have, I love it. I really enjoy the people I work with and I really enjoy the work I am doing. For transport to work, I am still using the bus, which means I get about an hour of reading time, which is nice. (I get to read again, get lost in the written word and I get to do reviews again.) The fact that I don’t get travel sick any more is a bonus!

The changes that have happened since I wrote last are that I now have a provisional driving license. I am due to start my driving lessons on Friday the 4th of March!  I am absolutely bricking it! Which is to be expected but I want to be passed and driving as soon as possible. With the arrival of my provisional, I got my first car! A little Ford Focus which is perfect for me. I will be driving her (accompanied until I pass by a full license holder!) to work to keep what I learnt in my lessons fresh in my mind. The need and desire to be driving with as soon as possible is incredible. I so badly want to be driving it hurts.

I will have so much more independence and I will be able to leave for work an hour before my shift rather than 3 hours to ensure I get there safely and on time. I can finish a shift and get to my daughter’s school without relying on the bus and worrying the whole time if I am going to make it on time because of delays. I can get my daughter, grab the dog and go to the beach after school. We will be able to do things during the holidays and just have independence.

I can’t wait! I need to pass my test! Expensive, but a must.

So yes, a fantastic couple of months in which I am absolutely loving what has happened with me. Christ, I am even wearing make-up. Seriously. I have never been interested in make-up. Now I just want to look nice. To look decent. I want to make an effort. Which is nice.

Right. Now I have updated you all, I am off to read some more of my book before going to bed.

 

Speak soon.

 

A xx