BPD and Death

Published July 24, 2017 by Harri

I have had a strange dance with Death since my first suicide attempt back when I was 12/13 years old. Since then I have been playing a strange kind of Hide and Seek.

So what happens when the dynamic changes? When death hasn’t taken you, but takes someone you loved?

With BPD, it’s thrown me into a spin. I don’t know if what I am feeling is imagined. I don’t know if what I am seeing is real. Struggling. It’s left me in doubt. I can’t trust myself and I can’t trust anyone else. I have gone from asking those close to me if my emotional reaction is appropriate to not being able to ask anyone for fear of being told I am bat shit. Or for having my genuine feelings rebuffed as an overreaction.

 

I don’t know who I am. I can’t trust who I am.

How do you go on?

Published July 20, 2017 by Harri

Dad Passed.

After being admitted into hospital during May, as he was unable to eat or drink without vomiting. He hadn’t shit for a week at that time.

Dad was on a fantastic ward in our local hospital. First the consultants believed they could do a Duodenal Stent. To help with the obstruction. The consultants decided that this wasn’t an option as irritation was too large. It was then decided that they would proceed with a Duodenal Bypass.

I can remember my mother saying to me that if all goes well and they manage it laproscopically, he should be back in about 3/4 hours. If they opened him up, it would be 4/5. If they don’t do anything, he’d be back before the 3 hours. Dad left for theatre and was back on the ward within an hour and a half. They made a small incision and used a camera. They saw evidence of spread.

We were told by the consultant that they would not be able to do anything more surgically for my Dad. It was now a case of make him comfortable and wait.

The staff managed to get Dad into a Palliative Care unit that was attached to the hospital. When he got there, the staff were incredible too. Although we were advised that they didn’t believe he had long. In a space of 2 weeks, we went from Months left, to Weeks, to days. Scarily fast.

My mother, sister and I, watched my father deteriorate scarily fast.

How do you cope with the loss? The emptiness? The shit feeling just after waking where you think they are still here then remember they aren’t.

How do you cope with all that when you have a personality disorder?? When you can’t control your emotions? When the one time you want to split, you can’t. When the paranoia seems to runaway with you and you can’t stop the bullshit that is popping up?

I didn’t hate my Dad at the end. I loved him. I couldn’t forgive him but I did love him. Some would find that strange.

So yeah. I’m hiding.

First ParkRun!

Published April 29, 2017 by Harri

Today marked the day I walked my first ever ParkRun! Originally, I intended to do the walk carrying the weight I had lost. After being advised by the Army not to for a while, I will probably start adding the weight slowly. A couple of pounds for a few weeks, and then increase it.

Anywho! We got to the seafront in which the ParkRun is organised on and I waited at the back of the queue. Barry the Bergen on my back and going at a good pace (forgot to put my damn Fitbit on in time! Missed about 400 yards). As I started walking, the two rear pace keepers (volunteers who make sure no one is left behind) and we started talking. We walked and talked at a good pace and I enjoyed it. Barry behaved and the walk was comfortable.

The ParkRun community is so welcoming and encouraging. Although there is every possibility that they were cheering for the long standing volunteers walking with me. As they had reached milestone ParkRuns. 150 and 50 ParkRuns! Which is absolutely fantastic! I will get there one day. I’d like to be running it at some point, but that will be a long way into the future!

I did the 5km in 56 mins 30 secs. I am quite proud of myself.

I cried several times. It was very emotional. With Mam and Dad waiting at the Finish Line, I cried.

Anyway, it’s going to be a regular thing. Every Saturday, if I can, I will be doing a ParkRun. During the week I will be walking with the dog and having a preamble. Actually contemplating taking the dog out after the ParkRun so she can have a run too. I will start adding weight slowly. So I can get used to the weight going in.

This is the way forward. I am really enjoying it all. Need to drink more water through, I have a headache brewing.

 

Signing off.

 

Holidays and Barry the Bergen

Published April 22, 2017 by Harri

For our daughter’s 11th birthday, we booked a holiday to Tenby. Stayed in a caravan. Enjoyed some peace and time away. I did a lot of walking there, despite being rough as hell with germs. We walked from the caravan site to the beach and into Tenby and back. It was lush. Beautiful sunsets and lovely family quality time.

Whilst away, I spoke to a Captain in the 3rd Royal Welsh. He told me that they would be able to help with out with a Bergen. I had to call back after the Easter bank holiday to arrange a time to get fitted and take home a bergen.

Thursday of this week, my parents, daughter and I, went to Cardiff to meet the Captain and Colonel in the Officer’s Mess. We talked about my Father’s career in the Army, why I was doing the walking and the use of the kit and how long I would be needing it for.

The Captain then took me down to the Stores where I met the Colour Sergeant in charge. We talked about the bergen, how to pack it with the weight (bottles of water, packed against the back support and held in place with towels or blankets. Bottles of water as if I need to lessen the weight, I can just dump the water and not have to worry about leaving kit), how to wear it and the fact that I NEED to get used to the bergen (which weighs 4kg [about 8/9lbs] without any added weight or kit) before I start adding weight. I was advised by the professionals to walk my first 5km without any weight and add it in small increments. Which is what I will be doing. I do not want to injure myself on my quest to raise money for Pancreatic Cancer UK.

Today, I walked 4.29 miles in 1hr 30mins. Up hill, downhill and with Barry the Bergen! (I named the Bergen). It was nice, the sun was out for a change and it was a beautiful walk!

Barry the Bergen and I at the top!

My first 5km walk is on Saturday the 29th of April. I am really looking forward to it.

Cunty McCuntface

Published March 17, 2017 by Harri

Yes, I used bad words (well, Cunt is one of my favourite words EVER but if Mam heard me using it, I’d get told off!)

As much as I am trying to be level headed about all this and think of it all practically, the Borderline Personality is making it ridiculously fucking hard. I want to cry all the time. I am currently a ball of seething rage, which is why the post is entitled Cunty McCuntFace… That’s how I feel. Like a huge evil bitch. A cunt. An angry, hurting cunt.

Gary (the negative thoughts), is talking like a kid who has eating a fuck-tonne of blue smarties (back in the day when they were full of e numbers) and hasn’t stopped jabbering since hoovering the tube up!

I am currently listening to my favourite thing ever, classical pieces of music played on an electric guitar. Fucking incredible and soothing too. Which seems to help drown the little shitstain (Gary) out.

Why is it, that when you try to find a positive way of coping with the shitstorm that has been dumped at your feet (not just mine but my family’s too), a BPD brain decides that you need more shit on top of the shit you are dealing with by making more shit up and getting your worked up over shit. See a pattern here?

Just feel so angry. I’m crying because I am emotional anyway and then I get angry because I cry all the time. Then I am crying because I am so angry.

 

Anyway, just a little vent.

A x

How am I coping?

Published March 8, 2017 by Harri

With Dad’s terminal diagnosis… Well, after being told he has approximately 18 months left, I decided I needed to find a constructive way of dealing with the shitstorm that is on the horizon.

Previously, I’d have turned to isolating myself, comfort eating and cutting. With my new job, I don’t want to be slipping into my previous habits, which could physically damage me and mentally injure me by making the situation worse.

So, alongside the crocheting (to keep my hands busy and to reduce the damage done by sub-conscious scanning), I have decided to start walking my weight off.

So, every 2 months, I will be doing a 5km walk (not planning on running for a while as I really don’t want to rush and burn myself out mentally, pacing myself), with a backpack on holding all the weight I have lost from the January of this year up until that point.

I am currently at 16lbs lost since January. So, on the 29th of April (my first 5km parkrun event in which I will be walking), I will be carrying 16lbs+ (hopefully even more!)

In honour of my Dad, I am hoping to carry the weight in a Bergen and Army webbing. I need to get hold of some so will have to wait until payday, Dad gave his away. I can remember as a kid, he used to go running with his webbing and bergen on for the Army. So that’s why I am carrying the weight. I want to be like my Dad. He was strong, athletically fit. The man broke his neck twice playing rugby and is still walking! I have always wanted to make him proud.

So I am fundraising for Pancreatic Cancer UK, for the support and information they have given and provided to myself and my family. #lbs2pounds #DoingItForDad

 

 

Virus Shawl Dog Jumper

Published March 5, 2017 by Harri

UPDATE: Here is the gorgeous Gypsy wearing the jumper I made!!

Modelled by the gorgeous Toothless.

I have never written a pattern before. This is probably not the best to have started with. If there are any errors that you spot, could you please advise, so I can correct them. Diolch. I made this pattern up as I went along, so I will be surprised if I can remember or even recollect it all. Apologies if it is wrong.

IF YOU USE THIS PATTERN, PLEASE CREDIT ME

LEGEND: (US Terminology) Ch – Chain, ss – slip stitch, tw – turn work, dc – double crochet, sc – single crochet, hdc – half double crochet, stsp – stitch space, chsp – chain space, fhdc – Foundation half double crochet

Crochet hook: Size 4 (G) – Wool needle for sewing in the ends – Scissors/snips

Gauge: 9 stitches and 5 rows = 5 cm (But this was a made up pattern and it will depend on your own tension)

BACK
2 Virus shawl sections.

For help watch this Virus Shawl instruction by Woolpedia

  1. Ch 10. ss.
  2. Ch 3, 19 dc.
  3. Ch 3, tw, 1 dc in each dc of previous layer.
  4. Ch 4, tw, 1dc, ch 1, repeat until the end.
  5. Ch 6, tw, sc into next ch sp, ch 4, sc into next ch sp, ch 4, sc into next ch sp. (There should be 3 loops of ch4) Sc, ch 7, sc, ch 7, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, dc into last ch of ch 3 of previous row.
  6. Ch 3, tw, 9 dc, sc into first ch 4 sp, ch 4, sc, (there should be 2 ch 4 loops) 10 dc in first top loop, 10 dc in second loop, sc into first ch 4 sp, ch 4, sc, 10 dc.
  7. Ch 3, tw, dc in the stsp of the dc below, sc into first ch 4 sp, (There should be 1 ch 4) 20 dc, sc, ch 4, 10 dc.
  8. Ch 4, tw, dc, 1 sc, Repeat for the 9 dc. Sc into the ch sp of the ch 4 of previous row. dc, 1 sc (20 times, 10 in each loop), sc into chsp of ch 4, dc, 1 sc
  9. Ch 3, tw, ch 6, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 5, sc into 2nd chsp (of the dc, 1 sc of previous row), ch 4, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 6, sc, ch 6, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 5, sc into 2nd chsp (of the dc, 1 sc of previous row), ch 4, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, dc.
  10. Ch 3, tw, 9 dc, sc into first ch 4 sp, ch 4, sc, ch 4, 10 dc into ch 5 sp, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, 10 dc, 10 dc, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, 10 dc into ch 5 sp, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, 10 dc.
  11. Ch 3, tw, dc into each ch sp of the dc of the previous row. sc, ch 4, sc, dc into ch sp of dc of previous row, sc ch 4, sc, dc into each ch sp of the dc of the previous row, sc, ch 4, sc, dc into the ch sp of the dc of the previous row, sc, ch 4, sc, dc into the ch sp of the dc of the previous row.
  12. Ch 4, tw, dc, sc Repeat for the next 9 dc. Sc into the ch 4 sp, dc, 1 sc (10 times), sc into the ch 4 sp, dc, 1 sc (20 times), sc into the ch 4 sp, dc, 1 sc (10 times), sc into the ch 4 sp, dc, 1 sc (10 times).
  13. Ch 2, 1 hdc into each dc and over eac sc of previous row, at the end of the shells, ch 1, work along the back by doing 2 hdc into each dc or ch 4 sp, and 3 hdc into the ch 6 sp. Join with a ss.

Repeat for opposite side.

Join the two pieces along the back by hdc the two parts together.

BELLY
(I did this to match the size of the dog, so this will vary.)

20 fhdc,
ch 2, hdc in each st of previous row.

Continue until desired length.

NECK.

56 fhdc.
Line up the neck band equally on the top of your virus shawl pieces.
Hdc, all the way around, joining the neck to the top of your virus shawls in a symmetrical form. When reaching the first ch 2 of the second (joining) row, ss.

To continue the length of the neckband.
Slip knot where the neckband and virus shawl begin. Ch 1, hdc across the front of the neckband. At end of row, ch 2, turn. Continue until you reach desired length.

All parts were joined by hdc. Working in rounds until all the raw edges were neatened and all was connected.

Crocheting and Mental Health

Published March 4, 2017 by Harri

I have been crocheting on and off for over 10 years. My Nanny Grace could watch a TV show and crochet or knit the most intricate of blankets and cardigans without even a hint of looking at the work. It was a talent and skill that I still live in awe.

I started my on my first crochet blanket whilst pregnant with my daughter over 10 years ago. It looked like a massive nipple warmer.

As you can see, there was much to learn. A lot of learning to have done over the years! Lots of single crochets, a few double crochets and lots and lots of chains as an increase. Magic circles hadn’t been heard of. I can’t remember how I started it.

Now I  am making Dragonscale Gloves, Virus Shawls and Dog Jumpers!

I use crocheting as a distraction and a calming method for my anxiety and other mental health issues. The distraction for my hands is more than welcome. My skin thanks it. especially over the last 4 months with everything happening the way it has. With a Body Focused Repetitive Disorder (Dermatillomania), I scan subconsciously for something to pick, whether it be in my hair, on my face, arms, shoulders, etc. Crocheting keeps my hands busy. It’s a positive and constructive way of dealing with my inner demons. It’s hard to explain. Really explain to people. I can listen to an audiobook and completely zone out, following a pattern or just going on with a repetitive stitch. I hope the people who have received the items I have made like them. I hope that the orders continue and that I stay busy.

Oh and have updated with my nickname.

Harri here!

xx

Fuckknuckled MuppetFart!

Published March 2, 2017 by Harri

Thank you very much to the aforementioned, Fuckknuckled Muppetfart who broke into my car at some point last night (or early hours of this morning) to steal a cheap bluetooth set. Really what I need to be adding to my worries!

I hope the fucking thing gives you a migraine like it used to with me. I could hear the electricity running through it. But hey. Thanks.

Shit Week was a shit week

Published February 20, 2017 by Harri

Last week was one of those weeks, that I could quite happily forget, but am not likely to.

Monday went pretty well, ordered a Fitbit to help me focus my stress into a positive avenue.

Tuesday, again, not too bad. Quite excited that my Fitbit would arrive on the Wednesday.

Wednesday, no Fitbit. Littlewoods fucked up royally. The package was refused upon delivery at the collection point I had nominated. I spoke to an adviser who advised that it was lost in transit and that I would have to order a second one. I spent 40 minutes on the phone, getting angrier and angrier, as she continued to ignore me as a phonetically spelled my place of work. After she had confirmed the delivery address, I realised she hadn’t put the company I work for at the start of the address. I was fucking raging!

I got home and phoned the company again. I was told I couldn’t speak to someone in the complaints department. I didn’t get off the phone until I did. I work for a customer service provider, where talking too people on the phone is a skill that we need to have. The woman I spoke to was rude and completely uncaring. Telling me repeatedly, “At the end of the day…” whilst putting me on mute (if the background noise disappears, you are on mute. If there is music, you are on hold) as I spoke. I was told that I had to look at my phone and wait for the status to turn to “Dispatched” before I HAD to call them to change the delivery address. I stated that with my line of work, that wasn’t possible as I wasn’t allowed my phone on me whilst working. “At the end of the day, we are a busy call centre, we can’t be expected to contact you…” for their error…. I was fuming! In the end, I cancelled the orders with them (I won’t be ordering from them again), and ordered from SimplyBe instead, next day delivery.

Thursday, no Fitbit. Hubby had to call them to make a payment. *Eyeroll*  I had Kiddo’s Parent’s evening. At the end of term last year, we had been told she would easily get a 5, ready for her placement into sets for Comprehensive. I was told, she was barely scraping a 3, due to the fact she didn’t care and was writing 6 lines, when she should be writing at least an A4 page in 40 minutes. So being a little annoyed, I then spoke to my sister.

Back in November, my father was admitted to hospital for Jaundice. He was as yellow as a minion. A stent put in his Bile Duct has helped sort that out. He had been told then that he had Pancreatic Cancer. The Biopsy was done in January. We were told at the end of the month that it was malignant. A T3 Endocrine Adenocarcinoma at the head of the pancreas that is too close to the vein and artery to operate. On Thursday, I was told something that confirmed my suspicions. Dad has about 18 months. The Consultant advised that they haven’t seen many people get past 18 months. A small percentage hit 18 months after diagnosis of the type of tumour he has. An even smaller percent live past 18 months. The Consultant has advised that they would start Chemotherapy as soon as. After 3 months or 3 weeks of chemo and 1 week of rest, they would scan him again to see if the tumour had shrunk. If it has they will try Radiotherapy. If it hasn’t shrunk, then it will be pain relief and palliative care.

As I am sure you are aware from my previous posts, my feelings towards my father have been hostile. When seeing him in hospital in November, I couldn’t hate him. I can’t forgive him, but I can’t hate him. I love him and can’t hate him. So Christmas was spent as a family. Together and enjoying each other’s company. It was nice.  My sister and I have been trying to help, as my mother has been forced back to work.

Friday, I spent most of the day crying. Randomly bursting into tears for random reasons. Fitbit arrived.

That night, my darling pussycat was in the bathroom, lying on her back and purring loudly. Hubby had mentioned that she had peed on the bathroom floor. Bitch Cat had never peed on the floor, ever. Normally in the bath, which must have seemed like a massive litter tray. Kiddo had cleared the mess up. Bitch Cat got up from her place behind the bathroom door and moved under the radiator. I went to bed.

Saturday, I was awoken at around 0450 by a coughing, growling crying fit that made me feel sick. I shot out of bed and to the bathroom. On the way, I saw my darling pussycat lying on the floor on the landing, with very laboured breathing. I picked her up and she was floppy. I screamed and cried out. I told Hubby that I wanted to take her to the Vets. He said “No, go sit with her”. I wrapped her up in a towel and as Kiddo was awake, we went to her room, with the light dimmed and held her to us. Kiddo got a chance to say goodbye. I had a chance to say goodbye. Pussycat took her last breath in my arms.

If I had stopped to dress and rush to the Vets, Bitch Cat would have died alone in the back of the car. She died at 0500. Kiddo and I were a mess. We were both glad that we got a chance to say goodbye.

If I hadn’t woken up, Kiddo would have found her and sat with her. OR she’d have woken up in the morning to a dead cat. Either would not have been a suitable option. Bitch Cat called us for a reason.

We had already planned to do things Saturday. We went to town, sorted my glasses out and Hubby’s glasses out. We then visited my Aunt (Mami2) and went for a walk up a mountain. When we came home, we laid Tabitha GingaBitz to rest in our garden. I cried a bit more.

My girl

RIP Tabitha GingaBitz Aka Tabby Cat Aka Bitch Cat Aka Old Girl Feb 2004 – 18th Feb 2017

So much stress this week it’s been hard for me not to turn back to my negative coping mechanisms. It’s one of the reasons I got the Fitbit.

My plan is to walk. A lot. Every 2 months, I will do a ParkRun (5km but walking it not running) with a backpack on with the weight I have lost so far. I plan to raise money for PancreaticCancer.org Increasing my distance and weight as I go.

 

So, here is an update. The paranoia has been going fucking nuts. The Dermatillomania/Body Focused Repetitive Disorder has been going into overdrive, so I have been crocheting like mad so I don’t rake my face and body apart. Crocheting is difficult to do when you sleep though. All the emotional turmoil over the last 3 months has had an effect. The Derp has struck and my glands are swollen and I am in agony. YAY, sandpaper pants!

A x

 

 

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