BPD can fuck off

Published September 9, 2017 by Harri

Yep, another big gap between posts. I should really get better at this.

August was spent in a spin of activities and keeping busy before Kiddo started comp and I went back to work.

Whilst being off work, dealing with all the emotions and feelings that comes with dealing with a terminal patient, them passing and then finding a new normal. I have been struggling with my BPD big time.

For the first time in my life, I am really struggling with the obsessive nature of the illness. The only way I can describe it is as follows. (Thank you to a friend who gave me the analogy that I have added on.)

Two cars.

One is a nippy little car, that is happily trundling along in the “slow lane” doing 70mph happily, when the car is having a bad day, it may struggle. However, a majority of the time, it travels at the appropriate speed and knows where it’s going. Occasionally it will take a wrong exit, but usually ends up back on track.

The other car is an F1 car. Fast as fuck. Doing ridiculous speeds all of the time. On the motorway, around the small side streets, country lanes. Unable to stop and unable to control where it’s going. It just goes.

My thought processes are the F1 car.

“So and So didn’t say hello to me” – This thought then branches into =
“What have I done to upset them? / Why didn’t they say hello?” – Which offers two more branches, with more branches.
“What did I do? / Have I pushed them away? / Am too I needy? / Have I been too distant?” – Those questions pose more branches.

Back to the car and driving analogies.

Sometimes I am going ridiculous speeds down twisty turny dark scary lanes that I seem lost in, going round and round in never-ending circles.
Other times, I am on that motorway, the thoughts are coming at me and I am just ploughing through them with no sense or reason.

The whole thing is exhausting. Add to that the obsessive behaviours. Now, I have spoken about this briefly before. Obsessive behaviours aren’t just the more commonly known Germophobes constantly cleaning and the repetitive types who need to check everything. My obsessive behaviours are picking and pulling at my flesh, along with obsessing over a thought that I may have had briefly in passing.
When that thought has been planted, I keep going back to it. The branching thing happens. It’s like picking a scab, the wound bleeds but you can’t stop yourself from going back to it. Over and Over. I hate it. So not only do I actually physically pick and pull my skin apart, I do it to myself mentally. Criticising every thought, move, action and intention I make. Some days it’s a quiet hum in the back of my head. Other’s it’s like someone it’s so loud and fast, it’s like physically watching an F1 race without the ear defenders.

You know the reality TV shows where people are isolated by themselves either in random places or locked in a single room. I couldn’t cope. My brain would implode. I would fall apart. Unfortunately, I am fine when I am busy. However, you can’t be constantly busy 24/7. You have to stop. The 5 minutes to yourself whilst you are on the loo, just before you drift off to sleep, whilst you are eating. That’s when the brain kicks in and if you are lucky, you can kind of ease off the accelerator and chill, but recently, the accelerator has been floored in those brief moments to myself. Once it’s been floored, there is no easing off until I have either crumbled into a sobbing mess telling myself I am crazy and batshit or I get up and walk or clean. Most of the time, I revert to the former, crying. Angry cleaning and using how I am feeling as a fuel to get my cleaning done helps.

I just want silence. Well, not silence as that’s unnerving but a sedateness to my thoughts and all of it.

 

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BPD and Death

Published July 24, 2017 by Harri

I have had a strange dance with Death since my first suicide attempt back when I was 12/13 years old. Since then I have been playing a strange kind of Hide and Seek.

So what happens when the dynamic changes? When death hasn’t taken you, but takes someone you loved?

With BPD, it’s thrown me into a spin. I don’t know if what I am feeling is imagined. I don’t know if what I am seeing is real. Struggling. It’s left me in doubt. I can’t trust myself and I can’t trust anyone else. I have gone from asking those close to me if my emotional reaction is appropriate to not being able to ask anyone for fear of being told I am bat shit. Or for having my genuine feelings rebuffed as an overreaction.

 

I don’t know who I am. I can’t trust who I am.

How do you go on?

Published July 20, 2017 by Harri

Dad Passed.

After being admitted into hospital during May, as he was unable to eat or drink without vomiting. He hadn’t shit for a week at that time.

Dad was on a fantastic ward in our local hospital. First the consultants believed they could do a Duodenal Stent. To help with the obstruction. The consultants decided that this wasn’t an option as irritation was too large. It was then decided that they would proceed with a Duodenal Bypass.

I can remember my mother saying to me that if all goes well and they manage it laproscopically, he should be back in about 3/4 hours. If they opened him up, it would be 4/5. If they don’t do anything, he’d be back before the 3 hours. Dad left for theatre and was back on the ward within an hour and a half. They made a small incision and used a camera. They saw evidence of spread.

We were told by the consultant that they would not be able to do anything more surgically for my Dad. It was now a case of make him comfortable and wait.

The staff managed to get Dad into a Palliative Care unit that was attached to the hospital. When he got there, the staff were incredible too. Although we were advised that they didn’t believe he had long. In a space of 2 weeks, we went from Months left, to Weeks, to days. Scarily fast.

My mother, sister and I, watched my father deteriorate scarily fast.

How do you cope with the loss? The emptiness? The shit feeling just after waking where you think they are still here then remember they aren’t.

How do you cope with all that when you have a personality disorder?? When you can’t control your emotions? When the one time you want to split, you can’t. When the paranoia seems to runaway with you and you can’t stop the bullshit that is popping up?

I didn’t hate my Dad at the end. I loved him. I couldn’t forgive him but I did love him. Some would find that strange.

So yeah. I’m hiding.

First ParkRun!

Published April 29, 2017 by Harri

Today marked the day I walked my first ever ParkRun! Originally, I intended to do the walk carrying the weight I had lost. After being advised by the Army not to for a while, I will probably start adding the weight slowly. A couple of pounds for a few weeks, and then increase it.

Anywho! We got to the seafront in which the ParkRun is organised on and I waited at the back of the queue. Barry the Bergen on my back and going at a good pace (forgot to put my damn Fitbit on in time! Missed about 400 yards). As I started walking, the two rear pace keepers (volunteers who make sure no one is left behind) and we started talking. We walked and talked at a good pace and I enjoyed it. Barry behaved and the walk was comfortable.

The ParkRun community is so welcoming and encouraging. Although there is every possibility that they were cheering for the long standing volunteers walking with me. As they had reached milestone ParkRuns. 150 and 50 ParkRuns! Which is absolutely fantastic! I will get there one day. I’d like to be running it at some point, but that will be a long way into the future!

I did the 5km in 56 mins 30 secs. I am quite proud of myself.

I cried several times. It was very emotional. With Mam and Dad waiting at the Finish Line, I cried.

Anyway, it’s going to be a regular thing. Every Saturday, if I can, I will be doing a ParkRun. During the week I will be walking with the dog and having a preamble. Actually contemplating taking the dog out after the ParkRun so she can have a run too. I will start adding weight slowly. So I can get used to the weight going in.

This is the way forward. I am really enjoying it all. Need to drink more water through, I have a headache brewing.

 

Signing off.

 

Holidays and Barry the Bergen

Published April 22, 2017 by Harri

For our daughter’s 11th birthday, we booked a holiday to Tenby. Stayed in a caravan. Enjoyed some peace and time away. I did a lot of walking there, despite being rough as hell with germs. We walked from the caravan site to the beach and into Tenby and back. It was lush. Beautiful sunsets and lovely family quality time.

Whilst away, I spoke to a Captain in the 3rd Royal Welsh. He told me that they would be able to help with out with a Bergen. I had to call back after the Easter bank holiday to arrange a time to get fitted and take home a bergen.

Thursday of this week, my parents, daughter and I, went to Cardiff to meet the Captain and Colonel in the Officer’s Mess. We talked about my Father’s career in the Army, why I was doing the walking and the use of the kit and how long I would be needing it for.

The Captain then took me down to the Stores where I met the Colour Sergeant in charge. We talked about the bergen, how to pack it with the weight (bottles of water, packed against the back support and held in place with towels or blankets. Bottles of water as if I need to lessen the weight, I can just dump the water and not have to worry about leaving kit), how to wear it and the fact that I NEED to get used to the bergen (which weighs 4kg [about 8/9lbs] without any added weight or kit) before I start adding weight. I was advised by the professionals to walk my first 5km without any weight and add it in small increments. Which is what I will be doing. I do not want to injure myself on my quest to raise money for Pancreatic Cancer UK.

Today, I walked 4.29 miles in 1hr 30mins. Up hill, downhill and with Barry the Bergen! (I named the Bergen). It was nice, the sun was out for a change and it was a beautiful walk!

Barry the Bergen and I at the top!

My first 5km walk is on Saturday the 29th of April. I am really looking forward to it.

Cunty McCuntface

Published March 17, 2017 by Harri

Yes, I used bad words (well, Cunt is one of my favourite words EVER but if Mam heard me using it, I’d get told off!)

As much as I am trying to be level headed about all this and think of it all practically, the Borderline Personality is making it ridiculously fucking hard. I want to cry all the time. I am currently a ball of seething rage, which is why the post is entitled Cunty McCuntFace… That’s how I feel. Like a huge evil bitch. A cunt. An angry, hurting cunt.

Gary (the negative thoughts), is talking like a kid who has eating a fuck-tonne of blue smarties (back in the day when they were full of e numbers) and hasn’t stopped jabbering since hoovering the tube up!

I am currently listening to my favourite thing ever, classical pieces of music played on an electric guitar. Fucking incredible and soothing too. Which seems to help drown the little shitstain (Gary) out.

Why is it, that when you try to find a positive way of coping with the shitstorm that has been dumped at your feet (not just mine but my family’s too), a BPD brain decides that you need more shit on top of the shit you are dealing with by making more shit up and getting your worked up over shit. See a pattern here?

Just feel so angry. I’m crying because I am emotional anyway and then I get angry because I cry all the time. Then I am crying because I am so angry.

 

Anyway, just a little vent.

A x

How am I coping?

Published March 8, 2017 by Harri

With Dad’s terminal diagnosis… Well, after being told he has approximately 18 months left, I decided I needed to find a constructive way of dealing with the shitstorm that is on the horizon.

Previously, I’d have turned to isolating myself, comfort eating and cutting. With my new job, I don’t want to be slipping into my previous habits, which could physically damage me and mentally injure me by making the situation worse.

So, alongside the crocheting (to keep my hands busy and to reduce the damage done by sub-conscious scanning), I have decided to start walking my weight off.

So, every 2 months, I will be doing a 5km walk (not planning on running for a while as I really don’t want to rush and burn myself out mentally, pacing myself), with a backpack on holding all the weight I have lost from the January of this year up until that point.

I am currently at 16lbs lost since January. So, on the 29th of April (my first 5km parkrun event in which I will be walking), I will be carrying 16lbs+ (hopefully even more!)

In honour of my Dad, I am hoping to carry the weight in a Bergen and Army webbing. I need to get hold of some so will have to wait until payday, Dad gave his away. I can remember as a kid, he used to go running with his webbing and bergen on for the Army. So that’s why I am carrying the weight. I want to be like my Dad. He was strong, athletically fit. The man broke his neck twice playing rugby and is still walking! I have always wanted to make him proud.

So I am fundraising for Pancreatic Cancer UK, for the support and information they have given and provided to myself and my family. #lbs2pounds #DoingItForDad

 

 

Virus Shawl Dog Jumper

Published March 5, 2017 by Harri

UPDATE: Here is the gorgeous Gypsy wearing the jumper I made!!

Modelled by the gorgeous Toothless.

I have never written a pattern before. This is probably not the best to have started with. If there are any errors that you spot, could you please advise, so I can correct them. Diolch. I made this pattern up as I went along, so I will be surprised if I can remember or even recollect it all. Apologies if it is wrong.

IF YOU USE THIS PATTERN, PLEASE CREDIT ME

LEGEND: (US Terminology) Ch – Chain, ss – slip stitch, tw – turn work, dc – double crochet, sc – single crochet, hdc – half double crochet, stsp – stitch space, chsp – chain space, fhdc – Foundation half double crochet

Crochet hook: Size 4 (G) – Wool needle for sewing in the ends – Scissors/snips

Gauge: 9 stitches and 5 rows = 5 cm (But this was a made up pattern and it will depend on your own tension)

BACK
2 Virus shawl sections.

For help watch this Virus Shawl instruction by Woolpedia

  1. Ch 10. ss.
  2. Ch 3, 19 dc.
  3. Ch 3, tw, 1 dc in each dc of previous layer.
  4. Ch 4, tw, 1dc, ch 1, repeat until the end.
  5. Ch 6, tw, sc into next ch sp, ch 4, sc into next ch sp, ch 4, sc into next ch sp. (There should be 3 loops of ch4) Sc, ch 7, sc, ch 7, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, dc into last ch of ch 3 of previous row.
  6. Ch 3, tw, 9 dc, sc into first ch 4 sp, ch 4, sc, (there should be 2 ch 4 loops) 10 dc in first top loop, 10 dc in second loop, sc into first ch 4 sp, ch 4, sc, 10 dc.
  7. Ch 3, tw, dc in the stsp of the dc below, sc into first ch 4 sp, (There should be 1 ch 4) 20 dc, sc, ch 4, 10 dc.
  8. Ch 4, tw, dc, 1 sc, Repeat for the 9 dc. Sc into the ch sp of the ch 4 of previous row. dc, 1 sc (20 times, 10 in each loop), sc into chsp of ch 4, dc, 1 sc
  9. Ch 3, tw, ch 6, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 5, sc into 2nd chsp (of the dc, 1 sc of previous row), ch 4, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 6, sc, ch 6, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 5, sc into 2nd chsp (of the dc, 1 sc of previous row), ch 4, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, dc.
  10. Ch 3, tw, 9 dc, sc into first ch 4 sp, ch 4, sc, ch 4, 10 dc into ch 5 sp, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, 10 dc, 10 dc, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, 10 dc into ch 5 sp, sc, ch 4, sc, ch 4, 10 dc.
  11. Ch 3, tw, dc into each ch sp of the dc of the previous row. sc, ch 4, sc, dc into ch sp of dc of previous row, sc ch 4, sc, dc into each ch sp of the dc of the previous row, sc, ch 4, sc, dc into the ch sp of the dc of the previous row, sc, ch 4, sc, dc into the ch sp of the dc of the previous row.
  12. Ch 4, tw, dc, sc Repeat for the next 9 dc. Sc into the ch 4 sp, dc, 1 sc (10 times), sc into the ch 4 sp, dc, 1 sc (20 times), sc into the ch 4 sp, dc, 1 sc (10 times), sc into the ch 4 sp, dc, 1 sc (10 times).
  13. Ch 2, 1 hdc into each dc and over eac sc of previous row, at the end of the shells, ch 1, work along the back by doing 2 hdc into each dc or ch 4 sp, and 3 hdc into the ch 6 sp. Join with a ss.

Repeat for opposite side.

Join the two pieces along the back by hdc the two parts together.

BELLY
(I did this to match the size of the dog, so this will vary.)

20 fhdc,
ch 2, hdc in each st of previous row.

Continue until desired length.

NECK.

56 fhdc.
Line up the neck band equally on the top of your virus shawl pieces.
Hdc, all the way around, joining the neck to the top of your virus shawls in a symmetrical form. When reaching the first ch 2 of the second (joining) row, ss.

To continue the length of the neckband.
Slip knot where the neckband and virus shawl begin. Ch 1, hdc across the front of the neckband. At end of row, ch 2, turn. Continue until you reach desired length.

All parts were joined by hdc. Working in rounds until all the raw edges were neatened and all was connected.

Crocheting and Mental Health

Published March 4, 2017 by Harri

I have been crocheting on and off for over 10 years. My Nanny Grace could watch a TV show and crochet or knit the most intricate of blankets and cardigans without even a hint of looking at the work. It was a talent and skill that I still live in awe.

I started my on my first crochet blanket whilst pregnant with my daughter over 10 years ago. It looked like a massive nipple warmer.

As you can see, there was much to learn. A lot of learning to have done over the years! Lots of single crochets, a few double crochets and lots and lots of chains as an increase. Magic circles hadn’t been heard of. I can’t remember how I started it.

Now I  am making Dragonscale Gloves, Virus Shawls and Dog Jumpers!

I use crocheting as a distraction and a calming method for my anxiety and other mental health issues. The distraction for my hands is more than welcome. My skin thanks it. especially over the last 4 months with everything happening the way it has. With a Body Focused Repetitive Disorder (Dermatillomania), I scan subconsciously for something to pick, whether it be in my hair, on my face, arms, shoulders, etc. Crocheting keeps my hands busy. It’s a positive and constructive way of dealing with my inner demons. It’s hard to explain. Really explain to people. I can listen to an audiobook and completely zone out, following a pattern or just going on with a repetitive stitch. I hope the people who have received the items I have made like them. I hope that the orders continue and that I stay busy.

Oh and have updated with my nickname.

Harri here!

xx

Fuckknuckled MuppetFart!

Published March 2, 2017 by Harri

Thank you very much to the aforementioned, Fuckknuckled Muppetfart who broke into my car at some point last night (or early hours of this morning) to steal a cheap bluetooth set. Really what I need to be adding to my worries!

I hope the fucking thing gives you a migraine like it used to with me. I could hear the electricity running through it. But hey. Thanks.

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