BPD and Me

Borderline Personality Disorder – MIND’s take on BPD
BPD – Wiki’s take on it.

I am still learning about this disorder and how it affects me. This blog will be updated and my progress and falls will be documented here.

A doctor may diagnose you with borderline personality disorder if you have five or more of these symptoms and if the symptoms have a significant impact on your everyday life.

  • you have emotions that are up and down (for example, feeling confident one day and feeling despair another), with feelings of emptiness and often anger
  • you find it difficult to make and maintain relationships
  • you have an unstable sense of identity, such as thinking differently about yourself depending on who you are with
  • you take risks or do things without thinking about the consequences
  • you harm yourself or think about harming yourself (for example, cutting yourself or overdosing)
  • you fear being abandoned or rejected or being alone
  • you sometimes believe in things that are not real or true (called delusions) or see or hear things that are not really there (called hallucinations).

I have highlighted the things MIND says are markers for BPD.

  1. My emotions are up and down. I cycle through emotions quicker than Bradley Wiggins can the Velodrome. I give myself whiplash at how quick I can go from alright to completely fucking broken. I feel sorry for Kiddo. I do try to keep some level of normality for her, but, my grip on that slips. Being and empath, I have a tendency to absorb (for want of a better word) their emotions, make them my own and then run with them. I tend to feed off the people around me. If they are happy, I will be happy. Although, that’s not the case all the time, as I can misread  things.
  2. Making and maintaining relationships. I make an impression, but making friends is hard because I am scared I will be come clingy and suffocate them, or offend them. Maintaining relationships, well, I have been with my husband for a total of 10 years, don’t get me wrong, it’s not been a perfect relationship BUT it’s one of the only ones that has lasted without a gap in it or completely corroding. Relationships with my family…. There I have issues with. I tend to fall off the earth, then panic that I haven’t spoken to them and it’s only because I have been reminded that I may need them.
  3. Sense of identity. Yeah, I don’t know.
  4. Self Harming and Overdosing.  Taking over the recommended dose, cutting, burning, picking, not to kill myself but to feel something when I am in the void-like emotional states. They are also coping mechanisms.
  5. Fear of abandonment or being alone. Being abandoned, left by friends and family… yes. Being alone. No. I like being alone. I like being away from people. Being taken somewhere and left. Erm no. Na huh.
  6. Hearing things. I have always brushed these off to my over-active imagination. But not apparently.

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