The New Workout

Wow, I did the new workout and actually enjoyed it. It was hard mind, really hard. I left feeling a little wobbly and a little sick. It felt awesome though.

So, this is the new workout.

10 minutes on the Elliptical machine. 2 minutes on level 4 and increasing a level every 2 minutes. I broke a sweat, I was feeling pretty good, my inner thighs were beginning to warm up. I could feel it.

10 minutes on the treadmill. 4.5% incline at a speed of 4.0km/h. I can’t remember the distance I covered, but walking the incline made my legs feel toasty. I didn’t get breathless, I just walked.

5 minutes on a side stepper thing. Level 6. I covered 1.81km. This machine is a bitch. I don’t like this machine and I can’t ever imagine that we will get on. It’s like sticky skating (a roller derby term for skating without actually lifting your skates off the floor), it’s been so long since I was on skates that my body has forgotten how to move. My thighs and my arse were beginning to burn. It wasn’t a painful burn though.

Rowing machine. I had to row 1000m. I did it in 5 mins and 12 secs. I love the rowing machine, always have. My hips and legs however, they didn’t like it. At all. My hips were getting tight and the burning amplified. I could feel the wobbly legs and my hips beginning to twitch and stuff. I did it though. I slammed it.

Leg press. 3 sets of 12 reps @50kg. These were quite hard today, I actually pulled a face as I was pushing up the last reps. It felt good though.

Cable bicep curls. 3.75kg for 3 sets of 12. I only managed one set of 12 and 2 sets of 10. These were hard. It was at this point I realised that the left side of my body is so much weaker than my right side. Which is kid of obvious as my right side is my dominant side. But these were hard. I am hoping I will be able to bicep curl a bit more than that by the end of the year.

Leg Curl. 3 sets of 12 reps @ 25kg. This contraption is just evil. Trying to get my legs in the correct position was comical, then actually using it was hard. Trying to make sure the weights didn’t clunk back down. Making sure that I didn’t lock my knees out and controlling the curl. Either way, it’s mean. I don’t like it. It’s mean.

Shoulder Press.  3 sets of 12 reps @ 12.5kg. Again this is was a nasty one. I managed one set of 12, then two sets of 10. It was hard, again the weakness on my left side was prominent. I had to push harder for my left side than I did my right. My left arm was shaking and really didn’t want to do any more.

Chest press. 3 sets of 12 @ 15kg. These felt normal, really good. Left arm was tired because of the other weight things but hey, I did them. I like the chest press.

Recline bike. 10 minutes as a cool down. My legs were now burning and all I could think of was not falling off the damn thing when I got off.

Overall, a bloody good workout was had, I didn’t fall down the stairs from the gym. I didn’t fall off any equipment and I made it through the workout without spewing. All a bonus.

Today was a good day, tomorrow when the aches and pains kick in, well, that may be a different story 😉

 

There’s a first! Gym Therapy!

MASSIVE TRIGGER WARNINGS for Rape, Sexual Abuse, Child Abuse, Victim blaming, self-harm and Rape apologists. Exercise caution when reading this post, please.

Exercise, good for you?

Who’d have thought it? Exercise being good for you. Granted at the time of the exercise, it doesn’t feel like it’s good for you, hell, it feels like you are trying to kill yourself with the damn thing. BUT exercise is good for you.

Why is it good for me? Cue the infographic pic!

Ok, so it’s safe to say, that generally we all know that exercise is good for us. All the points up there are good points. They are beneficial to anyone who exercises. What about a morbidly obese person?

Well, speaking personally (I haven’t done any research into how it is beneficial to other morbidly obese), here is what I have found in just a month’s worth of exercising and eating healthy.

I have been going to the gym twice a week for four weeks, this will not be stopping and I have had to stop myself from going down again, I do also want to add extras to my current workout so will be asking the trainer what I can do when I see her next.

Here is how it’s changed me.

• I can walk again – A simple thing granted, but, being able to walk small distances again, without being breathless is nice. It’s a step in the right direction.
• I can walk up the stairs again – I could always get up the stairs, but I would be slow and clunky. It would take me 5 minutes to get up the damn things, but now, I am a lot quicker and not breathless. Win!
• I am sleeping sounder – I am a snorer. Even at my fittest, I still snore. Apparently I had large tonsils (they have been removed) and have trouble with breathing through my nose, BUT saying that, I am actually sleeping. It’s still taking a while for me to drop off (silly brain not being quiet) but when I do drop off, there are rarely any dreams. It’s a sound sleep. I also don’t feel so tired during the day. Which is nice!
• I am encouraged to eat healthier – I know this one sounds weird, but the more I exercise, the more I don’t want to spoil it by eating poorly. I am actively seeking out the healthier option with my meals. This is progress!
• I am starting to feel better – This one is a double edged sword. I feel better when I exercise, when I have exercised, but before exercising, I panic about what people in the gym are going to say and do with this fat woman sweating like a beast in there. I have to keep overcoming the anxiety and intrusive thoughts to keep going to the gym. I want to go to the gym, which is a massive step for me.
• I am enjoying social interaction again – Granted most of my social interaction has been either Slimming World Image Therapy, the gym and talking to the trainer, or being dragged out on walks by my school friends (we hadn’t spoken together in over 14 years, we have been enjoying catching up). After nearly a year of deliberate social isolation, I forgot that I do actually like being with people.
• Things are getting easier – Hauling my arse off the sofa is easier, my bed isn’t protesting as much when I get in it or out of it for that matter, standing doesn’t hurt so much, doing the damn dishes (I HATE washing dishes), although my stomach gets soaked by the water as our sink is so damn low (I could just be too tall, I don’t know) is easier because my back doesn’t hurt as quickly as it used to.
• My mood improves when I am exercising – This one is specific, because of the BPD my mood swings are all over the place, yet when I am exercising, I feel motivated and focussed. I feel good about myself (as long as I avoid mirrors) and I am proud of what I do.
• Breathing is easier – This may sound silly, but it’s true. Breathing is easier, I no longer struggle for breath when sedentary. Exerting myself is a little different, I do puff and pant then but, I can sit and watch a programme without wheezing. Which is always pleasant.
• I am starting to enjoy myself – Ok, so this one is a strange one. Not only am I enjoying being more active again, I am  enjoying the gym. Which is something that I never thought would happen. I do have to keep reminding myself that it is a long journey, this isn’t going to just fall off me, it’s going to take time and a lot of effort. I don’t expect to hit my target weight (the one I have set with Slimming World to prove the docs wrong) before 2 years into my journey, but I am looking forward to the journey. I know there will be set-backs and bends in the road, but hey, it won’t be a journey if there wasn’t. Right?

That’s all I can think of at the moment. I haven’t written about my clothes fitting better because they don’t. I still have trouble fitting into certain outfits and I am waiting to be able to wear some trousers that haven’t been worn in over 2 years. My size 22’s. I reckon I am between a 24 and 26 at the moment, I think.

I have high impact sports bras that haven’t been worn for just as long. It’s sad. However, I don’t want to be thinking about the sad. I want to think about the positive. I am doing this for me. If it helps prove a point to my daughter, that if you want something, you have to work hard for it, then so be it.

I want to be comfortable with who I am, (although I am terrified that I will end up with a massive flap of baggy skin that will hinder me and cause more health problems, which I know some people will say that’s what I get for eating myself into that position. I get that, I turned to food to comfort me when some people would have turned to alcohol or drugs to forget. There are other ways to deal with these issues but they aren’t always available to people.) with what I have achieved and I would love to be confident in my form and what I have to give.

Honestly though, it’s just nice having some structure in my life. Knowing I have to go to the gym on a Tuesday and Thursday (don’t get me wrong, I’d be more than happy to go daily, but I know it would send me into overdrive and I would push myself into injury territory), keeps me going. If I start missing them, I will get lazy, that terrifies me. I don’t want to be falling backwards when I have so far forwards to go.

So yeah. just a quick positive post, for a change!

Cleaning to do now, I have to start turning my attention to my house. Deep spring clean coming up soon, it’s needed badly. Body magic win!

 

Laters, take care of yourselves xx

A x

Well Flipping Heck

SHINEYS!!!!!

 

That’s my 1 stone award.

Today, I stepped on the scales and my bloody jaw hit the floor. 5lbs off. I also got Slimmer of the Week, again!

I was worried I wouldn’t hit my 3lbs after yesterday’s sugar binge (2 curly wurly’s and a bit of a flexisyn day! Eating when I am upset never ends well).

After panicking I wouldn’t be able to make it to the gym because I had to wait for a bloody package for the Hubby, it arrived at 0910 this morning, 10 minutes after I ate my Scromelette (A scrambled omelette, which had bacon, mushrooms and tomatoes in). I decided I would go to the gym around dinner time. At 1130, I was out the door with my headphones in to pound the pavement walking to the gym. Walking to the gym isn’t an issue, it’s all down hill. I wanted to get the blood pumping and get myself warmed up, which was bloody hard because it was knobbling (freezing cold out)! Walking into the building where the gym is (it has a swimming pool too) and it was like walking into a wall of heat. Nice but hot when I got to the top of the stairs. I decamped my crap into a locker, grabbed my phone, water bottle and towel and headed in.

15 mins on the treadmill, varying the speed between 4.5km/h and 5.5km/h. I did the weird wobbly moment when I thought my feet were going to come out from underneath me, but I didn’t land on my face. So it’s all good.

Next the elliptical. 10 minutes on that one, each minute alternating between level 1 and level 5. That felt good, my legs were beginning to burn.

Then the bike, fuck me I hate the bike. I really do. (At the moment at least!) I did 8 minutes on the bike and got to level 6, my legs were shaking like a leaf in the wind and I thought I was going to wobble off.

However, whilst I was on the bike, turning my usual shade of deep deep pink/purple, there were two dudes in the free weights section pointing and laughing in my direction. (I saw them in the mirror, there was no one else around me.) I wanted to cry, stop my workout there and then and walk home. I didn’t hear what they were saying as my headphones were blasting in my ears.

What I did, was ignore them, hide any tears that had started forming and moved on to the chest press. I did my 2 sets of 15 (thought my arms were going to fall off on the second set), then moved on to the lat pull down, I did one set of 15 and one set of 20. Then came the leg press and that’s a mean nasty piece of equipment that burns the living shit our of your legs. I like it though. A LOT. I did one set of 15 and then a set of 20.

I was sweating, a fabulous shade of deep red (I have always gone that colour even at my fittest. Not sure why though) and I marched out of the gym with my head up. I wasn’t going to let those men dictate my mood. Why should I? Why should I spoil my high on them.

I bundled up and walked, slowly, up the hill to home. I thought my legs would collapse under me at one point. The door was opened up before me, when I got there, and I practically collapsed on the settee. It was lush.

 

Today has been a good day. Even with those two blokes. I don’t care what they were laughing about, I am in the gym to save my life. To regain my life. If they think that’s funny, then more fool them.

I have dropped a fucking stone and 2.5lbs in 3 weeks. I am chuffed as fudge!

Going to leave you all to it now!

A xx

Fat, sweat and tears.

This time last year I was weighed 15 stone. I had lost 5 stone. Now I have put it back on and some.

The last couple of weekends have been hard. Either walking around work a lot, walking to work or walking home from work (I did 3 days in a row two weeks ago and 2 days last weekend), I have discovered that being the size I am is now starting to inhibit my life. I can’t do certain things any more, I am struggling with others and the prospect of doing some other things is just gone… I feel like a whale. I feel uncomfortable and not myself. I know how heavy I am, I also know the effect that’s having on my hips, knees and back (I have always had problems with these, even as a ‘normal weight’ child.) Doing simple things like tying up my shoelaces, walking up the stairs, walking, have all become ridiculously hard. I don’t like how cumbersome I have become.

The thought of going for a run terrifies me, I used to really enjoy going for a run. It was an escape for me. I was just perfecting my running style and I was finding my stride. I was happy. I was getting closer to running 5km in 30 mins.. I am such a long way off now, I don’t even know if my sports bras will fit me now.

I DID IT THOUGH! I went out. Today, saw my supported help come to the house to go on a walk with me and the dog, to help me get out of the house. I am making progress, slow but steady progress.

The urge to hide away is greater than ever before, to hide my swollen body from judgemental eyes and nasty tongues. We walked past a local school and a group of kids were laughing, now I don’t know if they were laughing at me BUT, the nasty voice in my head was telling me they were. They were laughing at me and making fun of the fat woman taking her dog for a walk.

I feel like a contradiction. I want to hide away but I feel certain people around me are closing in. I feel like I am suffocating beneath the whispers and paranoia.

A x